College Bball has Thugs, Too

One more article from SouthSide:

Read these articles and tell me do you still think there are more thugs in the NBA than in college? How can you leave someone for dead? Apparently there were other players on the team who did not call for help either. Just because you are worse at basketball does not mean you are a better person. Also, there is no way that highly recruited players like Greg Oden and Kevin Durant are worse kids than Jamar Smith, Chester Frazier, and others who cared only about themselves and not at all about their near fatal teammate. And if Bruce lets these kids stay on the team, he is not as good of a guy as we thought. I would rather have him pay Oden, who has almost a 4.0 GPA and would not almost kill a teammate and spit on his corpse. This is a big story which could possibly be an end to our program. How the mighty have fallen just like that.

Also, I think if something similar happened involving NBA players, this would definitely be more of a national story. I think this story is mostly being publicized locally. Even locally, the chief's last game is a bigger story, which is ludicrous. College basketball players are not student athletes, they are minor league NBA players. The great ones get called up to the big leagues.

Article here
Article here

NBA All-Star Mayhem

Another article from SouthSide:

REALSPORTS, here is another interesting article you can put up on the site. There is a nice little slam against the fox news of sports.

Article here

The Black KKK?

SouthSide submits the following:

Wow, some really strong comments in this article. At least someone is willing to talk about the issue. If a white guy wrote this, there would definitely be people playing the race card. That's probably why Americans are too scared to talk about it. Then when there really is racism, it gets ignored. That's too bad.

Btw, I was thinking about the other article. Vegas was dangerous during the All Star game, but the biggest story was about a football player, not a bball player getting in trouble. And look at teams like the Bengals. Why is the NFL not thought of as the league of thugs?

Article here

Clean Up Football Recruiting?? That's a "Gonzaga Mushroom Dream"

Gene Wojciechowski has a great article on Ron Zook's recent recruiting coup at Illinois. While he doesn't pass judgment on Zook, he does call into question the entire recruiting process. He recounts a coversation recently between two coaches:

"How's it going?" said the coach.

"Great," said the other coach. "I love being lied to by 17-year olds."

Article here



And you thought used car salesmen were shady

Kevin Durant's the Man

From SOUTHSIDE BRAWLERS:

This is why the 19 year old age limit in the NBA is a good thing. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to watch some of today's great NBA players, who came straight out of high school, play in college?

Thanks to the age limit the NBA instituted last year, we can start to get a feel of what could have been. Kevin Durant is the best player that college basketball has seen in quite some time. Dan Wetzel of Yahoo Sports tells us the impact that he already is having on the college hoops scene.

Article here.

The Secret to Good Pitching... Yoga???

Great article in the NY Times here.



Ommmmmm Ommmmmm

Cubs, White Sox, Cardinals Ticket Info

REALSPORTS is a HUGE Cubs fan, and I am ready to pounce on these upcoming Cubs ticket sales:

White Sox tickets (Friday, February 16 at 10 AM)

Cubs tickets (Friday, February 23 at 10 AM)

Cardinals tickets (Saturday, March 3 at 9 AM)



Some of the hottest games will sell out literally seconds after they go on sale. Make sure you act fast to get the game you want!


If you want up-to-date ticket info, including hard-to-find presale passwords, click here. I've tried other sites, but this site is the most reliable and the most comprehensive.




You would never see girls like this at a White Sox game

Baseball Teams Limit Playoff Tickets to “Real” Fans

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Following an article yesterday in the Wall Street Journal commenting on the increasing difficulty of “rank-and-file” baseball fans to secure playoff tickets, teams have responded by defending their policies to protect the “real fans” of baseball.

“We vigorously defend this policy”, says Dave Howard, executive vice president of business operations for the New York Yankees. “By limiting playoff tickets to season-ticket holders, we ensure that our real fans have access to the most important games.” When asked what fans who couldn’t afford season tickets should do, Howard did not offer much sympathy. “Listen”, says Howard, “if you’re not willing to shell out thousands of dollars for season tickets, then you’re clearly not a real fan. In fact, if you’re only paying a couple thousand for tickets, you’re one pretty cheap bastard, and you only deserve to get playoff tickets to one game, in the bleeding-nose section. Come to mention it, that’s our new policy, and I say those cheap-ass fans are pretty lucky for even that. The real, true, diehard fans are the ones who are paying at least $10,000 for tickets.”

James Dawson, a New York-based investment banker who is paying $75,000 for a pair of season tickets behind home plate, agrees with the Yankees’ policy of limiting playoff tickets. Says Dawson, “The true Yankees fans are those investment bankers and corporate lawyers sitting in the skyboxes and down near the field. I mean, why else would we be paying so much for tickets unless we were true fans?”

Despite Dawson’s “true” love of the Yankees, he admits to not knowing much about the team, or of baseball itself. “I don’t even go to most games,” he says, “I give away the tickets to clients to keep them happy. When I do go, I’m usually on my phone making business deals. Baseball’s such a boring sport anyway. That’s why I was in science club instead of Little League when I was growing up.”


Thanks, George

Champaign, IL Hoops Legend Jeremy Curtiss Skips out on Honeymoon to Get Married

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Last weekend was one of the greatest weekends in Jeremy Curtiss’ life. Curtiss, a Champaign, IL hoops legend who was once voted the “best white basketball player” in middle school (article here), got married last weekend to his girlfriend of six years. More importantly, however, Curtiss watched his beloved Chicago Bears maul the hapless Detroit Lions 34-7 last Sunday at a local Buffalo Wild Wings the day after his wedding. Said Curtiss, “Yeah getting married was cool and all, but the Bears game, now THAT was awesome.”

Immediately following the wedding, Curtiss left with his new bride to Mexico for a Honeymoon. Before leaving, Curtiss was found to be in especially high spirits. “This Honeymoon is going to be awesome”, said Curtiss. “Not only do I get to consummate my marriage, but they got an all-you-can-eat buffet there! How awesome is that!” He continued, “Between that sweet buffet and the warm feelings that come over me thinking about how awesome the Bears are, this Honeymoon is going to be perfect.”

The Honeymoon reached a bit of a snag, however, when Curtiss realized that his flight from Mexico would not return in time to catch the next Bears game on Sunday against the Vikings. Distraught, Curtiss tried to end the honeymoon early, but to no avail. “Jeremy Michael Curtiss!” exclaimed his irate wife, “You’re not ruining our honeymoon because of some stupid football game!” Curtiss, not knowing how to respond, simply muttered, “They’re not stupid…”

Torn between having to choose between the love of his life and his new wife, Curtiss found himself in a tough situation. After much thought over the midnight buffet, Curtiss found he had no choice. “Funk this”, said Curtiss. “I’m skipping out early on my Honeymoon so I can watch the Bears.” When pressed about this curious and potentially marriage-threatening decision, Curtiss explained, “Yeah, it’s true that if I leave early my wife might never forgive me. But if I miss the Bears game I’ll never forgive myself. It’s just all a matter of setting priorities, and I think I’ve got my priorities set right.”



















Jeremy's Dream

Are You Ready For Some Football???

To prepare you for the upcoming season, here’s a collection of our best football articles in the archives:

An interview with Rush Limbaugh

Lesbian cheerleaders and their sexual escapades

Fight for the last NFL groupie

NCAA eliminating cheerleaders?

USC utterly dominant

Barry Alvarez’s successor

Virus outbreak forces Arizona Cardinals away from training camp


I'm ready for some football

LeBron: Greece doesn’t play “Real Basketball”

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

The United States basketball team fell short again in international play, losing last Friday to Greece in the FIBA World Baketball Championship semifinals.

Following the loss, the United States team seemed stunned in disbelief, having just been systematically dismantled (primarily by the simple pick and roll) by a Greek team that was as obscure as it was unpronounceable .

LeBron James, team USA co-captain, refused to believe that his team had just gotten beaten at "real basketball”. "Man, this is a bunch of bullshit”, said an infuriated James. “They don’t play REAL basketball. They actually used all five of their players on offense, instead of just having one player drive into the lane while everyone else stands around. Now THAT’S real basketball."

Panagiotis Yiannakis, coach for the Greek team, admitted to being a little stunned at the victory. "We shot, like what, 66% from the floor? That's what happens when no one plays defense on you.” When asked how his Greek team was able to find so many open shots against the more athletic US side, Yiannakis seemed befuddled at his team'’s success. "I told my guys to keep moving the ball around until someone had an open shot. After about two or three passes, the US defenders seemed confused and frozen at our ball movement. I think they'’re more used to one guy hogging the ball in the NBA.”

Yiannakis also credited a simple gameplan for his team’s effective defense against the NBA superstars. “We knew that they like to drive into the lane 1 on 5, so we just packed the paint with defenders. It didn’t matter that we left players open on the perimeter, they just didn't know how to pass the ball. Even my 5 year old grandson's youth team plays smarter basketball than those ballhogging idiots."

James, meanwhile, didn’t seem too bothered at the US loss. "We were beat by a team with superior shooting, passing, defense, and team play. I don’t know what game they were playing, but it sure as hell wasn't NBA basketball."


Proud to be an American

Will the US win the World Basketball Championship?

US will NOT win

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

The US is a heavy favorite in the ongoing World Basketball Championship (WBC). Talent-wise, no one comes close. Still, trouble lies ahead. Why? Three main reasons:


1. Lack of quality, dependable outside shooting
With the three point line a couple feet closer in the international game, dependable outside scoring is essential for tournament success. Given this, where is the outside specialist on this team? The US has too many streaky shooters from the outside... you're rolling the dice with these guys.


2. Past history
With third and sixth place finishes in the last two international tournaments, the US has been less than impressive in international play. Will this time be different? Maybe, but I need to see proof on the court again before I jump back on the US bandwagon.


3. Team Chemistry
This is an area where the US is at a hopeless disadvantage. The other teams feature players who have grown up playing together, from their youth days on up. There is no way that a couple weeks of training camp in the summer can recreate the same kind of team chemistry the other teams feature.


Will the US team's overwhelming talent make up for these shortcomings? Perhaps, but I'm inclined to believe no for now. I have the US losing... either to Spain or Argentina in the finals.


What do you think?? Feel free to post below!



Coach K? Just calling to let you know that the US won't win this time around. And, oh yeah. DUKE SUCKS

Do you believe Floyd Landis?

Editor's note: SportParody will post a "question of the week" every Sunday night along with a position (and perhaps a counter-argument) from a staff writer. Feel free to respond in the comments section below.


Floyd Landis is Full of Shit

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

From Landis' website:

"I was the strongest man in the Tour de France, and that is why I am the champion."

Who is this guy kidding?? To recap, Landis was found to have a testosterone-epitestosterone ratio of 4:1 (four times the normal ratio) following his miracle ride in Stage 17 of this year's Tour. At the time, Landis was being called a hero. Now, he's being called a sham.

I will admit I feel somewhat bad for the guy. Landis was certainly not the only cheater in this year's tour, and I have a sneaking suspicion that Lance Armstrong cheated as well during his years of dominance. You see, the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) has placed such high levels of "permitted" doping that cyclists are almost compelled to cheat... up to a point. Any cyclist who can dope yet keep their T-E ratios under the 4:1 marker will have a decisive advantage in competition. Given the stakes involved, one can see the irresistible temptation.

Landis during the tour was humble, genial, and easy to root for. But the this built-up goodwill built up has eroded steadily as he continues to steadfastly deny cheating in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. His excuses - ranging from drinking the night before to a French conspiracy against him - smack of desperation. Floyd, the game is over. Salvage your remaining pride, and admit the truth.

What do you think?? Feel free to post below.


Landis in happier days

Mamma Mia! Italy wins the World Cup!!

The soccer was boring as expected, but there were still some highlights from this year's World Cup. Enjoy!

SportParody Exclusive: Interview With Keith Hernandez

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

On Sunday, Mets broadcaster and former first baseman Keith Hernandez drew fire for his comments suggesting women don’t belong in a baseball dugout. Facing mounting criticism, Hernandez sat down with SportParody to set the record straight.

SP: Keith, can you clarify your comments on why women don’t belong in the dugout?

KH: You have to understand I’m looking at this purely from a baseball point of view. One time, Mookie (Wilson) brought a couple strippers into the dugout that he had been partying with the night before. They were a lot of fun, but very distracting. I had a hard time focusing at the plate, with my mind on those hot-ass strippers. Needless to say, we lost the game.

SP: Interesting... I’m sure no one thought about that...

KH: Yeah, that’s what ticks me off so much. People assume I’m some kind of male chauvinist, when really I’m just thinking in terms of baseball. Let’s see how well the Padres do this year with all that Estrogen walking around in their dugout.

SP: Do you regret any other comments you made?

KH: Yeah, I regret when I said “I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout”. That was a mistake... my bad. What I meant to say is that women DO belong in the kitchen, at least when they’re not doing laundry or popping out babies.

SP: I see... what lesson has this whole experience taught you?

KH: I have learned to be a lot more careful about what I do or say around women. Call me old-fashioned, but I still don’t understand why you can’t just slap a woman in the ass and tell her to make some food. Or do the laundry. Or pop out babies. Maybe it’s just me, but this feminazi movement has really gone too far.

SP: Thank you Keith, for clarifying your comments. I’m sure it is now crystal clear what you meant to say.






















Keith Hernandez won’t be on the cover of NOW Monthly anytime soon

SportParody Analysis: Why Adam Morrison will be the first overall pick in the NBA draft

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Yesterday, Gonzaga All-American Adam Morrison declared for the NBA draft, foregoing his final year of college eligibility. The leading scorer in the nation this past season, the 6-foot-8 forward has drawn comparisons to Larry Bird for his high-release, high-accuracy jump shot. Although virtually all draft pundits agree that Morrison will be a lottery pick, SportParody will go out on the limb and say Morrison will be THE top pick in the draft this year. Here’s why:

1) He can flat-out shoot. Morrison, who averaged 28.1 points per game last season, was virtually unguardable at times, making shots with defenders draped all over him. A scorer will always find a home in the NBA.

2) He doesn’t really play defense. Morrison’s defense is kinda like his moustache- weak, flimsy and ugly. But can you blame him? He does have diabetes after all, and were he to play hard and both ends of the court he could very well just collapse from exhaustion. Besides, as a scorer, he doesn’t have to worry about playing defense.

3) He doesn’t really pass the ball. This is again not really that much a problem. Why should he pass the ball? He’s the best shooter out there! His shoot-first, pass-second mentality will fit in well with many NBA teams.

4) He’s white. Let’s be honest, Adam Morrison is the Great White Hope. Yeah, yeah, Steve Nash won the MVP last year, but he doesn’t count because he’s Canadian and has a haircut that is just a bit too feminine. Adam Morrison is a blue-blooded American who is being groomed as the next big superstar. Whatever team drafts him will see ticket sales soar.

For all the reasons listed above, this is a no-brainer: Adam Morrison will be the number one pick in this year’s draft.


Stop crying... you're about to become filthy rich.

Autistic Player Sets Gym on Fire

SportParody usually doesn't report on serious matters, but this real-life story was too good to pass up:

Jason McElwain, a senior at Greece Athena High School in Greece, NY, had the game of a lifetime last week.

Jason, or "J-Mac", as he is called, is the varsity basketball student assistant, and is beloved by his teammates and peers for his easy-going attitude. And, oh yeah, he's autistic.

As a senior present in his last home game, coach Jim Johnson allowed McElwain to play the last few minutes. Check out what happened next here:

Updated Link: Special Coverage on ESPN!!



You will NOT believe this!!

"Knight School" to Premier This Sunday

Coach Bobby Knight's long-awaited reality show premiers this Sunday on ESPN at 10:00/9:00 central. SportParody was lucky enough to nab an exclusive interview with the legendary coach last year as filming began. Check it out here.


Bobby Knight is pumped about his new show

98% of NFL Players Confused by the XL in Super Bowl XL

A recent survey conducted by the NFL players union has confirmed what most football fans have known for decades: NFL players just aren’t very smart.

The recent survey asked players to name what the “XL” in “Super Bowl XL” stood for. The results are as follows:
45% “Extra Large”
35% Could not read the survey
10% “Excellent”
8% “XL”
2% “Forty”

While a breakdown of these results was not made public, NFL spokesman Damian Delporte admitted that most of the 2% who responded correctly were special teams players such as kickers and punters. Or, in other words, according to Delporte, “the pansy-ass guys on every team who don’t really play football.”


At least Mike Vanderjagt answered this survey right

Seattle Yawns at Upcoming Super Bowl; Frasier Reruns expected to draw higher ratings

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

In the days leading up to Super Bowl XL, it truly has been a tale of two cities. While Pittsburgh has been wrapped up in Steelers hysteria, Seattle “fans” have barely acknowledged that their team is about to play for the championship. While a sendoff pep rally in Pittsburgh drew 30,000, for example, a similar rally in Seattle drew less than 1,000. Reportedly, this crowd would’ve been even smaller if organizers hadn’t enticed people to come with offers of free Starbucks coffee.

The general manager for Seattle ABC affiliate KING admitted to being concerned about ratings next Sunday. “We are going against Frasier reruns on other stations. Let’s just say it’s going to be a tough night for us.”

In football mad Pittsburgh, meanwhile, local newscasts were currently reporting stories on rabid fans offering up vital organs in exchange for Super Bowl tickets. Said one such fan, Matthew Robbins, “I’m going to die if I can’t go to the Super Bowl anyway, so giving up my kidney or lung for these tickets is no big deal.”



These two things will be more important than the Super Bowl in Seattle this week

Tigers Purchase Ancient Artifacts From Museum

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

In a stunning effort to turn around two decades of misfortune on the ball field, the Detroit Tigers have looked to the past to help their future. "We have tried to bring young guys up from our farm system and develop them into major league talent, but it hasn't worked," said Tigers G.M. Dave Dombrowski. "We also tried bringing in veteran free agents like Pudge Rodriguez and Rondell White, but again, that didn't work either," added Dombrowski.

With prior efforts having failed, Dombrowski and the rest of the Tigers' front office have approached this offseason with a radical new approach. Dombrowki explains, "They had a traveling exhibit at the Detroit Museum of Natural History of baseball players from the past." Dombrowski explained further, "Two of the ancient exhibits we decided to purchase were pitchers Kenny Rogers and Todd Jones. We would have liked to purchase Babe Ruth, but his family seemed a little pissed when we asked about digging him up, so we didnt."

With their offseason transactions complete, the Tigers are optimistic at what the future may bring. Said Dombrowski cheerfully, "Yeah, we feel like we have everything we need to win for years to come! Or as long as we can keep our new players out of the nursing home."


Kenny Rogers has not aged well

Epstein to Come out of Retirement, Return to Red Sox

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

In a surprising development today, the New York Times reported that “Boy Wonder” Theo Epstein was close to returning to his beloved hometown team. Following a three-month retirement from baseball, the move surprised many observers who predicted that Epstein had walked away from the Red Sox for good.

Epstein, however, admitted to making a huge mistake in opting for early retirement at the age of 32. “With all my friends working, I would just sit at home and watch shitty daytime TV,” recalled Epstein. “There’s only so much ‘General Hospital’ that one guy can take.”

Epstein also admitted to not realizing how much he’d miss the perks of being the Red Sox GM. “Every guy in New England wanted to be me, and every woman wanted to be with me. Giving all that up was a pretty dumbass thing to do.”

Fans all over Red Sox nation were thrilled at the news that their “Boy Wonder” GM would be back in charge. Carl Dohrman, one such fan, expressed high hopes for the upcoming season. “Theo is truly the right man for the job. I can’t wait to pay $100 for a ticket next year to support another underachieving team that will collapse spectacularly down the stretch.”


Even Kelly Monaco couldn't keep Theo from watching any more General Hospital

Citing Dress Code, Iverson Joins Globetrotters

By: Mo Spankles
SportParody Contributing Writer

NBA superstar Allen Iverson stunned the basketball world today by quitting the Philadelphia 76’ers and joining the legendary Harlem Globetrotters. In a statement issued by Iverson’s agent, the former Georgetown star, known to fans and teammates as “The Answer”, voiced his displeasure with the new dress code, citing it as “wack, racist and basically a pain in the ass.”

“My client, citing the tyrannical and arcane policies of Mr. Stern and his band of corporate cronies, has decided to change directions and join the world’s most famous basketball team,” his agent said via conference call. “Allen says he can’t wait to throw confetti on the crowd and shoot the ball from half court.”

The news came as a shock to NBA commissioner David Stern and league officials who implemented at the start of the season a controversial league-wide dress code, mandating NBA players and coaches wear “business casual” attire when conducting team business. The move is the league’s latest measure in an effort to clean up the controversial hip-hop image NBA players have embraced in recent years.

“Yes, I’m very surprised by the news, certainly,” said Stern from NBA headquarters in New York City. “But as long as I’m wearing the ten gallon hat, I’m going to manage the cattle the way I see best. And for now, the bling ain’t the thing.”

An elated Iverson, leaving the parking lot at Sixers’ headquarters earlier today for perhaps the last time, effused relief and joy at his latest career decision. “I’m fulfilling a dream right here, man,” Iverson proclaimed emphatically from the driver’s seat of his Cadillac Escalade. “It’s the ‘trotters, man! I don’t have to dress like some front office cat, I don’t have to practice. I’m talkin’ no practice, man. This may be the best day in the history of myself.”

Iverson, long known for his flamboyant persona and dynamic play on the court, will join the Globetrotters in Grand Rapids this weekend for two games at the Kragen Auto Parts War Memorial Coliseum against longtime whipping boys, the Washington Generals.

“We’re very excited to have A.I. here,” said legendary Globetrotter and team spokesman Meadowlark Lemon via telephone from the Days Inn downtown. “First off, I’ve got to teach this brother my patented hook. If he can get that down, the bucket of confetti isn’t far behind.”


AI will have to step up his game against the intimidating Washington Generals

A-Rod Loses MVP Trophy in Underground Poker Game

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

NEW YORK – Hours after winning the American League Most Valuable Player award, New York Yankees’ third baseman Alex Rodriguez reportedly lost the award at a high-stakes game in one of New York’s underground poker clubs.

Rodriguez, who won his second MVP award in three seasons, got in trouble earlier this month when the New York Daily News reported that the Yankees' third baseman had been visiting underground poker clubs with professional card player Phil Hellmuth.

While warned to stop visiting these clubs, Rodriguez could not help but go one last time to celebrate his MVP victory. The visit turned out very badly, however, with Rodriguez losing the Trophy going “all-in” on a 2-7 off-suit, considered the worst hand possible in poker. When questioned about his play, Rodriguez maintained that he was trying to “bluff” the other players. “I just wanted to be like those guys on ESPN”, said Rodriguez. “The only problem is, they keep winning while I keep losing.”

Poker regulars hoped that Rodriguez would continue to visit the clubs. “A-Rod is always welcome here”, said a grizzled regular while chomping on his cigar. “The other guys love to play with him, since he keeps throwin’ money away. A-Rod may be the AL MVP, but he’s our most valuable player also. I’m putting my kids through college thanks to him.”

Rodriguez, meanwhile, was not overly concerned about losing the MVP trophy. Said Rodriguez, “I plan on getting three or four more MVP trophies anyway. I’d like to thank the writers who keep voting for my overrated, non-clutch play on the field. This just shows you that baseball is more about hitting home runs in meaningless situations than it is about making clutch plays that actually help your team win.”


Even these monkeys could beat A-Rod in poker

NFL Fans Outraged at Hot Lesbian Cheerleaders’ Sexual Escapades

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

NFL fans responded with shock and outrage after it was reported yesterday that two hot Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, Renee Thomas and Kristen Owen, were arrested for having sex with each other at a Tampa-area nightclub (article here).

The Panthers have moved quickly to kick the cheerleaders off the team, a move which was approved by rabid NFL fan Damian Delporte. Said Delporte, “It is a disgrace that those hot, blonde, big-breasted cheerleaders were having lesbian sex with each other. I mean, who could be interested in that???”

NFL fan and right-wing commentator Sean Hannity was quick to denounce the lesbian sex. “This just shows you the decline in moral values we’re having in our country”, said an upset Hannity. “When I watch football with my son, I want it to be a good, clean game for the family where we can watch 250-pound guys beat each other to a bloody pulp. There’s no place for hot lesbian cheerleaders in football.” Hannity, however, admitted that he would approve of the cheerleaders under special circumstances. “If I found out my son was turning gay”, said Hannity, “I would have him watch hot lesbian cheerleader sex ‘till it turned him straight.”

Hannity also said that he would obtain a copy of the surveillance video of the incident, so that he could “better understand the situation and protect (his) children”.




We will be seeing these cheerleaders next time in Playboy

One Word for Cub Fans: 1908

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

What an unbelievable ride the White Sox have given their fans this season. It is virtually impossible to put into words how remarkable this team’s performance has been in both the regular and postseason. A lot of things are going through my mind as the Sox clinch their first World Series since 1917. But one thought that stands out most is the fact that Sox fans will never take shit from Cub fans any more as long as one word is uttered from the Sox fan’s mouth: 1908.

Allow me to illustrate with a few examples.

1. Time frame: This year.
Scenario: White Sox win the World Series.
Annoying Cub fan says: “You guys were so lucky it’s not even funny. In 1919 your team threw the World Series. Now you guys are doing the opposite, bribing the umpires. Your team isn’t good, it’s just really really lucky.”
Sox fan’s retort: “Wait who won the World Series this year? Now, when was the last time the Cubs won the World Series? Oh yeah, that’s right. 1908.”

2. Time frame: Next year.
Scenario: Wrigley Field outdraws The Cell despite the Sox being in 1st place all year and the Cubs being in last.
Annoying Cub fan says: “You guys might be good, but no one cares.”
Sox fan’s retort: “Yeah, but I bet you care your team hasn’t won a World Series since 1908.”

3. Time frame: Ten years from now.
Scenario: The White Sox are 0-81 at the All Star Break and the Cubs are 81-0.
Annoying Cub fan says: “The Cubs are the greatest team of all time and your team will be known as the worst ever.”
Sox fan retorts with: “Wait, what’s that stupid shit you guys say every year? Oh yeah, Wait till next year. What’s our famous line been? 1908. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah, biiiiiiiiiiittttttttttchhhhhhhh!!!!”

4. Time frame: This year.
Scenario: Craig Biggio’s wife gets slapped in the face at The Cell and other family members of players on the Houston Astros get harassed.
Annoying Cub fan says: “You guys don’t deserve to win the World Series with your white trash fans.”
Sox fan retorts with: “I don’t care. 1908.”

Do you see how easy this is? Before the sweet taste of victory, White Sox World Series style, I would have to waste my time explaining why we had such a good team (see article titled: Delirious Cub Fans Unable to Understand Makeup of Championship Team). Now that the Sox have captured the most important trophy in the greatest sport in the world, we can let the Cub fan do all the work. Whenever that annoying relative, or friend of yours, utters anything remotely close to insulting the Sox, all us fans have to do is sit back, relax, and strap it down with a chant of 1908.


The White Sox moments after the World Series Sweep

Delirious Cub Fans Unable to Understand Makeup of Championship Team

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

"Tomachu, you kidding me?? How can you support the White Sox as a Cubs fan?? For me this postseason has been pure torture. I can't believe all the flukish luck the White Sox are getting. Ozzie Guillen must have made a deal with the devil or something."


Seeing this previous comment (comment #1 on TWIC- White Sox edition) just lets you the reader know how ignorant certain Cub fans can be. I break Cub fans up in to 2 categories: A. Delusional and B. Unlucky.

Tomachu is unlucky to be raised a Cub fan. He doesn't get to experience the full joy ride that the White Sox have given their fans even though he may be rooting for the White Sox. I feel bad that Cub fans like him don't get to and never will taste the success of a World Series victory.

REALSPORTS, on the other hand, is just flat out crazy, as many Cub fans are. If you understand the game of baseball, you know why the White Sox, while lucky, have also been incredibly good this season. I don’t expect REALSPORTS to like the Sox, but I would at least hope he could learn to respect them.

Any knowledgeable fan will agree that the White Sox have the best starting pitching in all of baseball. While Houston’s is close, Clemens was too old this year and thus prone to the injuries that plagued him in the playoffs. Even with a healthy Clemens, the White Sox have the clear edge with their 4th starter being Freddy Garcia as opposed to Brandon Backe. (Next year it won’t even be debatable when you throw in 22 year old Brendan McCarthy, whom you will get to know next year if you haven’t already. For some reason, Ozzie decided to leave him off the playoff roster for Marte. But considering Marte pitched 1.2 scoreless innings in relief in game 3 of the World Series, Ozzie once again proves his baseball IQ is ridiculously high). The White Sox also have one of the best bullpens in baseball, with Bobby Jenks emerging as a dominant closer.

What often gets overlooked is defense. While Podsednik has a pussy arm in left field, he is extremely fast and makes many catches on balls that other outfielders would not even be close to. Aaron Rowand is a gold glove caliber center fielder. Jermaine Dye has a gun in right field. Joe Crede is showing the east coast what he can do at 3rd just based on his performance in the World Series. Juan Uribe has as good of an arm as anybody at SS. Iguchi is solid at 2nd. Konerko is underrated at 1st, with soft hands, picking up balls in the dirt and saving a lot of errors from the other infielders.

Now here is what the delusional breed of Cub fans have a hard time understanding: Defense goes hand-in-hand with the mental toughness the White Sox have. Take the Bartman game for instance. You could say the Cubs were cursed because of the idiotic fan costing the Cubs an out. That would be one way to put it. Another, would be to say that the Cubs were not mentally tough and were bad defensively, which cost them the game. Moises Alou admitted that when he did not catch that ball in left field, he felt a sense of urgency and said to himself, “What next?” What happened next was shortstop Alex Gonzalez bobbling a sure double-play ball that would have ended the nightmare 8th inning for Cub fans. Juan Uribe makes that play in his sleep.

Nothing fazes the White Sox. When Cleveland was the hottest team in baseball and the Sox were having their toughest stretch of the year, no one on the team said “What’s next?” after their 15 game lead had shrunk to 1.5. This remarkable team, lead by Ozzie Guillen (who is becoming one of baseball's best managers), refused to feel sorry for themselves. They also refused to come in 2nd in the division, ALDS, ALCS, and now the World Series. The White Sox are a great team because they refuse to lose.

When the Sox get breaks (some may call it luck), they take advantage of them. This happened in game 2 of the ALDS (Graffinino's bobble), the ALCS (AJ’s bluff) and World Series (Jermaine’s hit by bat). The Sox also keep fighting when the other team gets breaks. In game 3 of the World Series, Jason Lane hit a ball to the left of the home run line in Houston. The ball was called a home run even though it wasn't. In the 5th inning, Jermaine Dye (yes that same Jermaine Dye who got “lucky” in game 2) got clipped by a pitch, but was not rewarded 1st base. Did you hear Sox fans bitching afterwards? No, because their team was good enough to overcome what did not go their way. Something the Red Sox, Angels, and Astros (all inferior teams to the Sox) could not do. Lucky or not, that's the sign of a championship team.

Jerry Reinsdorf Wobbles Away With World Series Trophy

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Following the once-in-88-years World Series victory for the Chicago White Sox, Team Owner and Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf stood in his penthouse suite grinning like a fat kid in a candy store. As he lumbered on down to the White Sox locker room to accept the World Series victory, he felt a satisfaction deep down he had only felt once before, when he polished off 10 chocolate bars in one sitting.

Reinsdorf had been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. During the Bulls dynasty, he always had to share the glory with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and all the celebrities on the team. With the White Sox, on the other hand, there were no annoying superstar players to hog the attention; the spotlight was finally on him.

As Commissioner Bud Selig presented Reinsdorf the trophy, the portulant owner stood there hugging it tightly against his extended belly. Following a brief interview, Jeannie Zelasko of Fox Sports then suggested that Reinsdorf pass the trophy to Manager Ozzie Guillen and GM Kenny Williams, a suggestion he didn’t take too well.

“No!” Screamed Reinsdorf. “This trophy is MINE MINE MINE!!! I won this trophy! I deserve this trophy! The rest of you go to hell!!!”

As a stunned locker room watched, Reinsdorf proceeded to wobble away with the trophy, refusing to let anyone touch it. As the surprised security personnel came to their senses, they quickly apprehended the portly Reinsdorf, and rescued the trophy from the selfish owner for all to share.

Paul Konerko, who stopped spraying champagne on his teammates to watch the incident, was glad that his tenure with the Sox was coming to a close. “I can’t wait to get away from that selfish, self-serving fat-ass and make big bucks on the open market. Cha-Ching!! Cha-Ching!!! Fifty million dollar contract here I come!!!”

Telander Predicts All-Out War Between Sox and Cubs Fans

Editor's Note: SportParody will have in-depth coverage the next few days of the imminent White Sox World Series victory. After all, this only happens once every 88 years.

Following last night's 7-5 14 inning game 3 triumph, the White Sox are virtually assured of a World Series title. With this in mind, respected Chicago Sun-Times columnist Rick Telander has drawn a battle map for the coming battle between Cubs and Sox fans. Read more about it here.


This is how Chicagoans view the rest of the country.

David Stern Warns Players, "Don't mess with the commish bitches!"

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

NBA commisioner David Stern said at a press conference Monday that he wanted a more strict dress code to boost his league's image to the world. "I want shirts tucked in and no hats - let's try to look as professional as possible here", said Stern. This caused outrage among many players in the NBA, including the Pacers' Stephen Jackson and the Spurs' Tim Duncan. "I find the dress code racist personally", admitted Jackson. Added Duncan, "I think a dress code to these extremes is basically retarded".

When told by the media of players' reactions, Stern just kind of got a smirk on his face and walked back into his office. A few hours later, he called for an immediate press conference. "I, David Stern, Commisioner of the NBA, has decided to change the dress code policy I just put into effect." A reporter then asked him, "So, are you saying that players no longer have to abide by a dress code?" Stern explained further. "Not exactly... I spoke with my good friend Dennis Rodman, and he gave me some advice on an even better dress code since players don't seem to like this one."

"I have decided to change the dresscode so that all players in the league must now dress in drag", laughed Stern. "Lets see how Mr. Duncan, or should I say, Mrs. Duncan feels about this dress code now!" Stern continued to rant, "Don't mess with the commish bitches!"

The L.A. Clippers were asked to comment on the newest version of the dress code. Said head coach Mike Dunleavy, "I dont know how other teams feel about it, but it's fitting for us since we play like a bunch of girls anyways."


At least the new dress code is more comfortable

Cubs to Host First Ever Simulated World Series

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

After the 2005 White Sox monumental achievement of becoming the first Chicago team to reach a World Series since the 1959 season, the Tribune Company is striking back with its local competition. In fear of losing bandwagon fans that no nothing about baseball to the White Sox, the corporation that owns the Cubs has devised a plan to keep Chicago’s beer garden (otherwise known as Wrigley Field) flowing for years to come. Beginning Saturday night, the Cubs plan to host game 1 of the first ever pretend Word Series.

The main participants in the series will be Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. They will reportedly be competing against the speed gun, trying to top 90 mph for 100 consecutive pitches. If both pitchers do so, baseball commissioner Bud Selig has agreed to deliver cubic zirconium rings, which will be handed out to each Cub player during the 2006 home opener.

Cubs manager Dusty Baker thinks his team has a great chance to win. “I think my team has all the talent, heart, and experience to win it all. Both pitchers have gimpy arms, are pussy enough to take themselves out of games in which others would have played through the pain, and have pitched in more simulated games than any pitcher in baseball.”

Cubs GM Jim Hendry thinks that the move by the Tribune Company is a brilliant idea. “The White Sox are getting way too much attention right now. Since there is no way we will ever make the World Series, we might as well pretend we are in one. Besides, our fans generally don’t pay much attention to the game on the field, so to them it will be like we are really participating in the Fall Classic.”

While it may seem strange that fans would actually attend such an odd event, SportParody staff writer Eric T, who has a ticket to game 1 of the simulated World Series, explains that this is actually better than going to a real baseball game. “The thing about going to a real game, is that the game on the field can be a distraction to what we are really there to do: look at the ivy, drink, look at hot chicks, drink, look at hot chicks, drink... Did I mention that there are a ton of hot chicks that go to Wrigley Field?"

When asked to be more specific, Eric T gave a personal example. "One time when I was sitting in the bleachers, I was busy hitting on this one girl. All of a sudden I heard a loud noise, which sounded like a crack of the bat. Just as I turned to look at the field, I felt a sharp pain... of the baseball nailing me on top of my head. There were a couple of fans telling me to throw the baseball back on to the field. But I was in no mood. After the ball bounced off my head, which was bad enough, it knocked over my beer. I had never been so pissed off in my life. Since there will be no hitters at this upcoming game, I won’t have to worry about that ever happening again.”

After the announcement was made, Cub fans around Wrigleyville were partying harder than their South Side counterparts had after game 5 of the ALCS. While he admits that it was just another excuse to get wasted, SportParody editor and Cub fan, REALSPORTS, said that he had the best night of his life. “Any true Cub fan doesn’t give a shit whether we win or lose. That is why it doesn’t matter that this World Series is going to be fake. If it were real, it would just be an excuse to party. How is that different from what we are doing now? That is what is great about being a fan of the loveable losers. When you lose, you really win.”


Wrigley Field: Home to hot women and a bad baseball team

White Sox Fan Loses $1 Billion Dollars in Parlor Bet Gone Wrong

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

CHICAGO, IL-– Ron Toam and Andrew Miller are two high-powered Corporate attorneys working in the Chicago loop. As White Sox season-ticket holders, they have enjoyed an amazing run this year, watching the Southsiders surprise all of baseball with their playoff run.

Throughout the season, Toam and Miller frequently made side bets on the games, on everything from the final score to the results of each pitch. As chronic gamblers, Toam and Miller would often exchange hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars through the course of a game.

During Wednesday’s ALCS game 2 Sox victory, Toam was having an awful night as a bettor, losing thousands of dollars on wrong calls on balls and strikes, hits and outs. During the 5th inning, Toam lost $2000 alone by giving Miller 100-1 odds on a $20 bet on Robb Quinlan hitting a homerun in his at bat. Explains Toam, “Quinlan was a light-hitting bench player who only had 5 home runs all year. The way Buerhle was pitching, I said no way in hell is that busher hitting a homerun.” Much to Toam’s chagrin, Quinlan turned on a Buerhle fastball for his first career postseason home run. Said Toam, “I wanted to cry.”

With two outs in the bottom of the ninth, as Miller was counting the winnings he planned to blow later that night at the strip club, Toam half-jokingly offered a last-ditch long shot bet. “What kind of odds will you give me on A.J. Pierzynski striking out and running to first after the game is over and still being called safe after a lengthy conference by the umpires??” Miller was laughing as he said, “OK, a billion to one.” Unbelievably, Pierzynski proceeded to strike out, have the umpire call him out, yet still end up safe at first. As Miller watched incredulously, Toam saw his 1 dollar bet turn into $1 billion dollars. Said Toam, “Yes!! I knew my chronic gambling problems would pay off one day. This is a good lesson for all the chronic gamblers out there who keep losing and losing. Just keep at it, and you’re bound to hit it big one day.”

Miller, meanwhile, remained in a state of shock well after the game had ended. “I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to my wife, assuming I still have a wife when I get home,” explained Miller. “I just put my kids, my kids’ kids, and their kids all into bankruptcy. It will be a few millennia before my descendants finally pay off this debt.”

Toam, meanwhile, promised to not be heartless toward his old lawyer buddy. “I told him he didn’t have to pay the $1 billion up front…he just has to pay me $1 million dollars over the next 1000 years.”

White Sox Win Opener of ALDS; Sell Out Stadium

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Tuesday was a great day for the White Sox. Not only did they pound the defending champion Red Sox 14 to 2, they actually sold out their stadium (article here).

With a good number of White Sox nation behind bars, reaching sellout capacity this year has been tough for the White Sox, despite the team’s amazing run. During the playoff series, White Sox officials had their fingers crossed for a sell-out, and were glad that the handful of White Sox fans that actually exist really came through.

One such fan, Jamie Barber, who watched the game from the Cell’s famed upper deck, was glad she came. “I couldn’t really see the game from up here”, said Barber, while being interviewed 2000 feet above the field. “But that’s ok. I come to games more to see White Sox fans brawl and beat each other to a bloody pulp.”

The players, meanwhile, appreciated the extra support from their fans. Said White Sox speedster Scott Podsednik, “When I looked up and saw all those fans, I couldn’t believe it. You can usually count the number of fans at our games on one hand.” Podsednik made it clear that he truly appreciated all of the support. “When I saw all those wife-beaters and mullets in the stands, it really brought a tear to my eye. That’s special, man.”

Following the White Sox victory, the raucous crowd continued to celebrate by heading to the only bar within five miles of the stadium, Joe’s Mullet Shack. Reports said a good number were mugged on the way out, including diehard White Sox fan Brian Johnson. Johnson was simply too happy to care, however. “Yeah, I got mugged, but you sorta expect that when you visit the Cell. It’s cool, though… I don’t have a job so the robber couldn’t take any money from me anyway.”


This Tire Fire is burning bright tonight after the White Sox victory

The Hawk has Heart Attack Due to Recent Sox Slide

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

KANSAS CITY — Chicago White Sox Broadcaster, Ken “The Hawk” Harrelson, gave White Sox fans a scare on Thursday almost as fearful as the team's recent chances of making the playoffs. With the lead dwindling down to 4.5 games and after having dropped 5 of their last 6 overall and 2 out of 3 to the Royals (arguably the worst team in baseball), the Hawk’s heart could not take it anymore, according to doctors at a local Kansas City Hospital.

After being rushed to the hospital, doctors had a hard time operating on Harrelson, according to Chief Surgeon Richard Harrington. “Before we started operating on his heart, we were spending hours looking for the damn thing. We stumbled upon something that looked like another intestine, and we figured that this is normally where someone’s heart would be.”

The doctors spent another hour debating what this was until they came to the conclusion that it was The Hawk’s heart, which had a sock-like shape. “In extremely rare cases", said Harrington, "when somebody becomes overly obsessive over something their heart tends to turn into whatever they are emotionally over-attached to. In this case, it happened to be the White Sox.”

Harrington noted that while Hawk’s strangely shaped heart was abnormal, it was not the reason for his heart attack. In fact, it had more to do with the fact that his heart was falling apart in similar fashion to the team he has grown to fall in love with. Said Harrington, “His heart is in terrible shape. We really hope his team can put it together, so his heart will turn from what resembles a decaying, moldy sock, into one that has not even been worn yet.”

The only witness to the heart attack was the Hawk’s broadcast partner, Darrin “DJ” Jackson, who claims that he sadly saw it coming. “It all started with the 7 game losing streak in August. He kept saying on the air that every team is entitled to a slump and that there was no need to go out and get a guy like Ken Griffey Jr. and all that bull shit. But you could see right through it. He was just trying to hang in there and buy himself some time. After that, it was all downhill from there. The ‘He Gones’ and ‘You can Put in on the Boards’ were becoming less and less. Eventually, there were no more excuses he could come up with to cover the White Sox shitty play. Once you start losing to the Royals, there is nothing you can say.”

When asked how he felt about the Hawk’s condition, DJ didn’t show much hope. “After the doctors told me that the Hawk’s heart depends on how well the White Sox play over the last few weeks of the regular season, all I can say is, ‘He Gone!’”

Doctors agree, which is why they are trying to revert to other means of curing the Hawk’s heart. “Since there is little hope for the White Sox to turn it around, we are trying to get the Hawk to become less and less obsessed with this pathetic team. We are going to use techniques similar to those used to treat drug addicts. For next week's games, we will show him the first 8 innings, which will be enough to satisfy his cravings but not destroy his heart. We just have to make sure to turn off the game before they lose. Then, we will gradually reduce the amount of innings until he realizes there are more important things in life than White Sox baseball. We hope this will transform his heart from a sock to a normal heart shape.”

While Hawk has grudgingly allowed doctors to proceed, he realizes that this could be the end of his 16 year broadcasting career. Said Hawk, “This is terrible. No more ‘Can of Corn’, ‘Streeeeetch!’, ‘He Gone’, or ‘I love email.’ I can’t even go on and on about how bats break easily nowadays and were so much better back in the day. Worst of all, the only time I can say ‘You can put it on the Board’ is after I’m done banging my wife. You can Put it in the Boaaaaaaaard, Noooooo!”



DJ doesn't have much hope for his partner's future - “After the doctors told me that the Hawk’s heart depends on how well the White Sox play over the last few weeks of the regular season, all I can say is, ‘He Gone!’”

Limbaugh Revisited

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

Think last Monday's MNF football opener between two of the NFC’s elite teams was exciting? That was like watching paint dry compared to the visit I had with Rush Limbaugh. Two years after Rush Limbaugh’s controversial comments about Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, in which he insinuated that McNabb was overrated due to the media wanting a black quarterback to succeed, I sat down with Rush at his home in Palm Beach, Florida. Limbaugh provided me with comments so outrageous and psychotic they made Michael Jackon seem normal. He also introduced me to enough drugs to have a crack house seem like a children’s learning center compared to his powdery mansion.



Southside: What was your initial reaction when Donovan Mcnabb made the Superbowl last year?

Rush: Go Patriots!!!!!

Southside: Are you a Patriots fan?

Rush: I am a fan of any team that faces off against black quarterbacks.

Southside: What would you have done if the Eagles had won the Super Bowl?

Rush: I have a big mound of coke I attend to before watching a game. The more black people on the screen, the more coke I snort. Let’s just say that the mound would have disappeared had a black man led his team to a Super Bowl title.

Southside: I understand you are a big fan of Monday Night Football. Since both quarterbacks last game were black, who were you rooting for?

Rush: Well ideally I wanted both quarterback to get injured so they could bring in the intelligent, underrated white quarterbacks. But, since that was too good to be true, I just got as fucked up as possible.

Southside: What do you mean by that?

Rush: I have a pre-game ritual. I start it off with a box of pain killers, followed by a pound of cocaine. For dessert, I prefer some speedball soup, which is a tasty blend of speedballs and “Tuff Actin” Tinactin that I would like to thank John Madden for providing me with.


After talking with Rush, he was kind enough to show me around his house as well as his radio studio. Here is what he had to show me.




These are a few of the ingredients used for Rush’s pregame meal.


This is the amount of coke that Rush will snort once a black quarterback wins the superbowl.

New Guy Has Terrible Fantasy Football Draft

By: Mortimer
SportParody Contributing Writer

The return of the National Football League means the return of fantasy football, especially at Nisbett Publishing, where fantasy football has become a tradition. Every season since 1998 several of the employees at Nisbett has been in a Yahoo fantasy football league, and the league had especially high hopes for new-comer Larry Bailey from the mail room. Bailey, being a Canadian and new to U.S. fantasy sports, decided to play despite his lack of football knowledge.

Bailey admitted his ignorance to American football, even with his rudimentary knowledge of the CFL. “I don’t really watch the CFL. I’m more of a hockey man, myself,” said Bailey. “I figured I’d start with a kicker since they’re sure to get points in every game. So in the first round I selected [Adam] Vinatieri from your Super Cup Champions.”

Ken Spedowski from accounts receivable - last year’s fantasy winner - said he was frankly confused by Bailey’s drafting strategy: “He drafted [Gus] Frerotte and [Patrick] Ramsey as his quarterbacks, the Cleveland Brown’s defense, and he’s got three kickers. I was worried for a while that he might’ve known something that I don’t... then I realized his team just sucks.”

Bailey was especially proud of his drafting strategy in the later rounds. “I wanted my fantasy football team to be full of guys with interesting names,” Bailey said. “Vinatieri, Frerotte, Az-Hakim... T.J. Houshmandzadeh! It doesn’t get any better than that!”

The rest of the league agreed that Bailey’s best pick was Steelers wide-out Antwaan Randle El, but also agreed that his team sucks.

College Football Recap

Oklahoma Looks at Next Year after Rough Start

By Tomachu
SportParody Staff Writer

The Oklahoma Sooners have had a tough start this season. Following an upset by Texas Christian University (TCU) 17-10 on their home turf in the opener, the Sooners struggled to beat a Tulsa team which lost by 31 the previous week to Minnesota (article here). Because of their early-season struggles, the Sooners have decided to mail it in and try their luck again next year.

Last year, Oklahoma made it to the National Championship only to get embarrassed by a much more talented USC team. This year, realizing that USC still has quarterback Matt Leinart on their side, Oklahoma has decided to quit the season “Sooner” than later.

“What do you want me to say? We’re done,” said a very disappointed Sooners head coach Bob Stoops. “With the way this sport is, you almost have to be undefeated at the end of the year in order to have a chance for the national title. After that first loss, we can finally say we’re not good enough. At least now if we lose anymore games, we can say that we weren’t even trying.”

With games at UCLA and Texas on the horizon, the Sooners will have plenty of chances in the upcoming weeks to show that they're playing for next year.



San Jose State Head Coach’s Comments Cause Stir in Illinois Locker Room

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

After Illinois’ 40-19 victory over San Jose State on Saturday, Spartans’ head coach Dick Tomey stated that Ron Zook “has a chance to have himself a heck of a team.” (article here). This comment led to a brawl between Illinois head coach Ron Zook and quarterback Tom Brasic.

Apparently Ron Zook became enraged when he noticed that Brasic had taken Tomey’s comment to heart. “Last week we were down 27-7 to Rutgers. That’s the glass half-empty side of things, but we came back and won in overtime,” said Brasic. “That just shows the kind of heart we have. The heart of a champion, a Big Ten Champion. I mean, with Iowa, Ohio State, and Michigan going down today, we really have a chance.”

Before Brasic could finish, Zook pulled him aside and socked him in the face. He continued to beat his quarterback until other players separated the two. The Illini coach defended himself, claiming that he was trying to protect his player from optimistic insanity, something he admitted going through during his time at Florida. “When I took over a team located in the middle of nowhere that was going nowhere, I was OK with that,” said Zook. “I wanted to come to a team that was used to losing, because I know that is all I’m capable of. I don’t want my players to start going mental on me.”

While Zook believes he has the ability to rescue his players from insanity, he sees no future for San Jose State head coach, Dick Tomey. “Tomey has to be smoking something to say that we have anything resembling even a mediocre team,” said Zook. “Then again, it could be no coincidence he is the leader of a WAC team that went 2-9 last year.”

Orton, Ramsey Battle for Last NFL Groupie

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

Among the slate of NFL games tomorrow, the Bears/Redskins game features a personal duel between the starting QBs that will make or break their seasons.

With similar college football and professional numbers, Bears QB Kyle Orton and Redskins QB Patrick Ramsey are both out to prove they deserve the last NFL groupie. To gain a perspective on what tomorrow's game means to Orton and Ramsey, one must understand the “shagability” factor that both players are lacking.

The top quarterbacks in the league - Tom Brady, Donovan McNabb, and Peyton Manning - deservedly date the likes of Jessica Alba, Anna Kournikova, and Beyonce while other top position players such as Ray Lewis, Randy Moss, and Terrell Owens celebrate victories by drenching their Gatorade on hotties of similar caliber.

Unfortunately, Orton and Ramsey rank behind most offensive linemen in terms of desirability (determined 99% by athletic ability, .99% by looks, and .01% by personality), and as such, they are fighting over the last NFL groupies for a victory dance in bed. First in line is the always available Paris Hilton look-alike, who also happens to be a crack whore. After Hilton, there’s a large drop off in quality, with fellow crack whore Courtney Love, then Rosie O’Donnell, and finally Roseanne.

Even with most groupies off the table, Ramsey and Orton both admit there is still a lot at stake. Said Orton: “Even though I might break Paris in half on game night, it is better than getting broke in half by Roseanne. I take a big enough beating during the games.” Added Orton, “Hilton is no Lombardi trophy, but rumor has it that Courtney Love is more black and blue than the NFC north. If I lose this game, I may opt for early retirement and look to the bars in West Lafayette for my groupie love.”


Ramsey and Orton are battling for one night in Paris.

Owens to Meet with McNabb over a Nice, Hot, Steaming Bowl of Campbell’s Chunky Soup

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Terrell Owens is ready to bury the hatchet with Donovan McNabb.

Following a preseason where the Eagles quarterback and his leading wide receiver haven’t been on speaking terms, Owens said yesterday that he would end the silent treatment before their first game against Atlanta Monday night (article here).

To show his sincerity, Owens planned to meet with McNabb over a nice, hot, steaming bowl of Campbell’s Chunky Soup. Said Owens, “Donovan’s mom always tells him ‘he better eat his Chunky Soup’, so I thought meeting over some of that delicious soup would be the right thing to do.” Owens continued, “I know there’s been a lot of bad blood built up between us the last few weeks, but a nice, hot, steaming bowl of Campbell’s Chunky Soup will make everything all right again. At least that’s what his mom tells me.”

Owens did not reveal what kind of soup he’d bring to the meeting, but speculation has centered on Campbell’s Chunky Hearty Beef Barley and Campbell’s Chunky Fajita Steak with Rice & Beans as the prime candidates.




Donovan Loves His Chunky Soup!!

Wannstedt Brings Football Magic to Panthers

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

Pittsburgh Panthers new head coach Dave Wannstedt made his coaching debut on Saturday against Notre Dame, and the results weren't pretty for the Panther faithful. After hanging tough for one quarter, the Panthers were blown out 42-21 by a Fighting Irish team which came into the game as 3-point underdogs (article here). Wannstedt, however, maintained a positive outlook on his team's opening performance. "I would say things are going pretty well," said Wannstedt. "We did score 21 points after all.” When asked about giving up 42 points to a team they were supposed to beat, Wannstedt replied: “I just try to look at the positives and forget the negatives ever happened. Like when I was head coach of the Chicago Bears, I just look at the 40 wins and forget about the 56 we lost.”

Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis was asked how he prepared his team for the game. “Oh, that was simple. Since Dave is their coach, I pretty much knew that as long as my team showed up, we were going to win easily.” Weis explained further. “But I can’t take full credit for our blowout victory. It would be like Michael Jordan taking credit for beating a blind guy one-on-one at basketball.”

With the first game now under his belt, Wannstedt commented on how his recruiting for the up and coming season was going. “It’s going really good. I only lost out on all 34 blue chippers in the state to other out of state schools, but I feel really good about the class I have coming in... Oh, who the hell am I kidding, my incoming class bites, who knew this coaching stuff would be so hard???”

Maria Sharapova to face Nadia Petrova in Hot Showdown

#1 seeded and WPT Women’s ranked tennis player Maria Sharapova faces #9 ranked Nadia Petrova tonight in what is sure to be a highly anticipated match. For better or worse, Sharapova has been attracting many spectators to the world of tennis. Said Sharapova fan Peter Brenner: “I catch all of Maria’s matches. Before tennis, I always thought a racket was the kind of noise people made. But watching Maria run around screaming and grunting has really opened my eyes to what tennis means. And tennis REALLY means a lot to me now.”

Catch it tonight on USA at 7 PM Eastern, 6 PM Central.


Maria proves once again that tennis balls also make fine rugs.

Is this another excuse to show a picture of Maria Sharapova? You bet!

The Problem with Patterson

By: Eric T.
SportParody Staff Writer

Any Cubs fan could list Corey Patterson’s problems on the baseball field by heart. An aggressive batter with no plate discipline. Refuses to shorten his swing on two strike counts. A Sammy Sosa mindset in a Ricky Henderson body. Everyone seems to know Corey Patterson’s weaknesses, which makes his strengths all the more heartbreaking - an incredibly talented five tool player with all the agility, strength, and speed (oh, what wonderful speed) in the world.

Yet Patterson’s latest and most disappointing problem in his short career as a major leaguer was highlighted in last Saturday’s 4-2 loss against the Rockies. After grounding out with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth, Patterson was quoted as saying: “That’s just how it goes, and so be it. It’s just a game, you know?” Just a game. Not worth worrying about, not worth losing sleep over. It’s a pragmatic statement, to anyone who would live fairly in his shoes for a day - a struggling player, booed every time he swings at the ball, every time he doesn’t reach base (which is just about eight out of every ten at bats). It’s immense pressure built on ridiculous expectations. Truthfully, Patterson didn’t ask for it, and now, he clearly doesn’t want it. Told by his caved shoulders, disconnected eyes, seemingly innocent statement: “It’s just a game.”

But expectation isn’t the problem. It’s the statement, it’s the attitude. Let’s assume for a moment that we fans realize it is just a game, that we all have infinitely more important things going on in our lives - our kids, our wives, our girlfriends, our jobs, our careers. Baseball is the last thing on our minds when making dinner or working on that project due tomorrow. This is all true and Patterson has a point - it is just a game. But there’s an important distinction: I don’t play baseball for a living and I don’t get paid millions of dollars a year to do the things other people can do brilliantly that I cannot. It’s their job, not mine. It should be important and a job is not just a game. Is this distinction unfair? Perhaps. There certainly are people with talent in every field, who fail, or worse, sink into mediocrity, forgotten by everyone. But do we admire these people? I don’t. I despise them, the ones that barely skate by, the ones that never fully realize their incredible potential. It’s like the movie “Good Will Hunting”. Who enjoys watching Will squander his talent? I don’t have any type of mathematical ability and would never want the talent Will Hunting has. Yet it drives me crazy to watch him throw it all away, if only because he has it and I don’t.

While talent and potential is king in the world of sports, ethic and attitude truly determines who succeeds and fails. The superstars of every sport never see it as “just a game”. To them it’s life, it’s water, it’s what makes them go and go. It sounds cliché and old, but it’s also what makes all the great ones great. The single-minded desire to achieve more than just a game. Addiction to perfection; a degenerate competitor. For example: Michael Jordan. He was all of these things and more. Every game was more than just a game – basketball, golf, poker. Above all, he wanted to WIN and he wanted not just to win the first time or the second time - he wanted to win all the time. It was this quality in his character that made him, along with his ability and talent, the greatest basketball player ever to play the “game”.

What Patterson has to realize is that he can’t see it as “just a game” and become the player everyone wants him to be. Which is fine. If he wants to toil in mediocrity for the rest of his life, batting .230-.240, then he’s exactly where he should be, no better, no worse. But if he truly wants more, he needs to take himself seriously, he needs to take the competition seriously, and, most importantly, he needs to take the “game” seriously.

Buehrle Accuses Rangers of Using Psychic Powers

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Chicago White Sox left-hander Mark Buehrle is convinced that the Texas Rangers are cheating.

One day after claiming that the Rangers signaled pitches to batters through a high-tech light system in center field (article here), Buehrle today suggested that the Rangers were using psychic powers to predict future pitches.

“The Rangers are hitting .256 on the road, but an unbelievable .285 at home,” said Buehrle. “It is pretty obvious to me that the Rangers are either using supernatural psychic powers, a sophisticated light system, or some combination of the two. In fact, I think it’s obvious to everyone.”

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, for one, was not convinced. “Everyone knows that I’m a big fan of saying the craziest shit,” said the outspoken Sox manager. “But even I think what Mark is saying here is crazy. He should focus more on pitching, and less on trying to explain the world of the paranormal.”

Texas DH Phil Nevin, meanwhile, was confused by Buehrle’s accusations. “I’m hitting .205. If we’re cheating, I missed the memo.”

NCAA Bans Indian Mascots; Church Groups See Light at the End of the Tunnel

By: Tomachu
SportParody Staff Writer

Earlier this month, the NCAA made an official ban to Indian mascots at post-season college events (article here). Schools such as Illinois, Florida State, and University of Louisiana-Monroe (nicknamed the Fighting Illini, Seminoles, and Indians respectively) were among those to be affected by the NCAA rule change.

In light of this decision, several church groups are targeting schools like Duke, Arizona State, and DePaul (nicknamed the Blue Devils, Sun Devils, and Blue Demons respectively) in hope that they will get rid of their “anti-God” nicknames. “I just don’t see what is so great cheering for a team that is on the side of the devil,” said Pat Robertson. “If kids are forever exposed to such satanic images, I can see them going further and further away from the Lord. We most stop the rise of the Devil!”

NCAA President Myles Brand thinks that this is one small step to a giant solution. Said Brand: “Once we get the whole Indian thing straightened out, I’ll be going after the anti-God names, followed by the mammal, bird, and weather-related names.”

Brand also flirted with the idea to eliminate cheerleaders, but then thought twice about it, saying that it might not be a popular move with the public.


Mr. Brand better think twice before eliminating these... I mean this from college sports

Sharapova Reaches Historic #1 WTA Ranking

SportParody is proud to announce that Maria Sharapova has reached the #1 ranking in women’s tennis (article here). The 6'2'', 18-year-old Russian phenom has done a great job of winning over millions of fans who would otherwise give a rat’s ass about tennis.

Congratulations, Maria!

Check out our last article on Maria at Wimbledon here.


This is just an excuse to put up a picture of Maria Sharapova.

USC to Show Complete College Football Dominance

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Watch out, college football, there’s a new USC in town.

Following a near-unanimous sweep of the preseason AP Poll released Saturday (article here), USC head coach Pete Carroll made a startling announcement: “We’re going to send two USC teams to the Rose Bowl this year”.

With USC returning Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinert, do-it-all running back Reggie Bush, and most everyone of significance from last year’s dominating team, every major sports publication has already penciled in USC as virtually assured of an unprecedented third straight national championship.

Seeking a greater challenge, Carroll has announced that USC’s backups will form their own team, to showcase USC’s complete dominance. “I kept reading how our backups would be good enough to start on other teams”, said Carroll. “So a lightbulb went off in my head - Why not just form another team with our backups? We’re so good that our backup squad can go undefeated also... especially in the Pac-10.”

Rival Pac-10 coaches were dismayed at Carroll’s announcement. “It already is tough on our kids to have to lose once to USC every year,” said Karl Dorrell, Head Coach of cross-town rival UCLA. “But now twice?? Looks like another year of playing in the Las Vegas bowl.”


The only good news for USC's opponents is they get to see more of the USC Cheerleaders

Reality Show to Show Knight's Calmer Side

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

Legendary and often controversial NCAA basketball head coach Bobby Knight feels that the press give him a bad rap and just flat out misunderstand him. In order to show America his softer, calmer, more collective side, Bobby Knight has agreed to do a reality show in which twenty Texas Tech students will go through a series of “soft and calm” basketball practices, with one lucky student getting an opportunity as a walk-on to the Texas Tech basketball team the following year.

Sportspardy was fortunate enough to land an exclusive interview with Bobby Knight. The following is a transcript:

SportParody: So Mr. Knight, what kind of drills do you plan to use?

Knight: Well, a technique I like to use when one of my players misses a lay-up is a therapeutic neck exercise where I massage their throat with my whole hand.

SP: Umm, I think the technical term for that is choking, isn't it?

Knight: You disrespectful piece of ****, that is not what I’m talking about at all! It’s a neck exercise is all, don’t be like the rest of the media you big dope!

SP: Okay....moving on. What other motivational techniques will you apply to these students?

Knight: Let’s say one of my players has a bad game and played like garbage. Well, what I like to do is use interactive learning is all I will say.

SP: You mean you make them stand in a trash can if they play like garbage?

Knight: God you media are the devil! I use a can, yes, but you perceive it as a garbage can when in fact it’s just a can they stand in, you again couldn't be farther from the facts dumb-ass.

SP: All-righty then.... what comments would you like to make about your chair throwing incident in 1985?

Knight: I’m getting tired of this; I didn’t throw the damn chair! I softly glided it on the floor over to my good buddy who was sitting on the other side. For crying out loud, it was a packed house and he didn’t have a seat. I’m tired of these outrageous accusations by you God-**** people! I’m getting the **** out of here!

SP: There you have it folks... The new softer side of Bobby Knight which is sure to be shown on his new reality show.


Knight calmly explains his point of view to a referee

29 of 30 NHL Draft Picks Remain Unsigned

By: Tomachu
SportParody Staff Writer

The strike may be over, but the bad news keeps coming for the beleaguered NHL.

As of Friday, 29 of 30 NHL draft picks this year remain unsigned, with only #1 overall pick Sidney Crosby currently on board. And while in football, other draft picks are holding out for more money, the situation has developed differently for hockey.

Crosby, an 18 year old, was drafted by the Pittsburgh Penguins after leading the Quebec Major Junior Hockey League in scoring, and winning almost every trophy of significance. “He was so good that he made everyone else look, well...very bad”, said Penguins boss and possible lineman Mario Lemieux. “There was no question we were going to take this guy.”

Crosby was so good, in fact, that other teams didn’t even care about the rest of the draft, according to Brian Burke, GM of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks and selector of the second pick in the draft. “Since Crosby was gone, all I was left with was a bunch of crap to choose from,” said Burke. “After a while they forced me to make a selection, so I just threw a bunch of names in a hat and picked one.”

This cavalier approach toward the draft has caused many teams difficulties in coming to terms with their draft picks. “No one really bothered to write down or keep track of who was being drafted, so now we don’t even know who drafted who”, said Burke. “Oh well, we didn’t have any money to give these guys anyway.”

White Sox Fever Spreads to Yankee Stadium

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Fans are jumping onto the White Sox bandwagon…even in New York.

During Tuesday’s White Sox-Yankees game, 18-Year-Old Scott Harper, of Armonk, NY, decided to dramatically show support for the Sox by jumping from the Upper Deck to the Home Plate netting below. Remarkably, Harper survived the fall with only minor injuries.

Although a self-professed Yankee fan, Harper’s actions are proof positive to Sox manager Ozzie Guillen that White Sox fever is spreading. “That idiot was clearly a closet White Sox fan”, says Guillen. “Only a Sox fan would do something so stupid and life-threatening.”

SportParody Staff Writer SouthsideBrawlers is proud to welcome Harper into the Sox fan fraternity. “Scott continues the proud tradition of Sox fans acting retarded”, says Southside, sporting a new mullet in preparation for “Mullet night” at US Cellular September 3rd. “Whether running onto the field to beat up first base coaches, or jumping from the Upper Deck at a game, you can count on Sox fans to do the most stupid, retarded things imaginable.”


uh... maybe this wasn't such a good idea

BCS Confident it Has Fixed Past Problems

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

Bowl controversy?? Not this year, claims the BCS.

The BCS committee has designated a new replacement poll for the Associated Press Poll since the AP pulled its poll from the BCS ranking system. “It was really easy for us to come up with a new poll since we just pick who we want to play in the championship game anyway,” said BCS coordinator Kevin Weilberg. “I mean, my personal vote was to use a more sophisticated method like rock-paper-scissors to determine who plays in the championship game, but what can I say, my colleagues just love the polls!”

Critics of the BCS believe the system to be inaccurate at best, and some have proposed switching to a playoff system. When asked whether the BCS would consider changing to a playoff system, Weilberg bristled. “What? Are you kidding me? Playoffs are the dumbest idea I’ve heard of yet. Why should the best teams play each other for a national championship when we have a bunch of old over-the-hill coaches, know-it-all sportswriters, and Dick Vitale to tell us who’s the best?” When told by a reporter that Dick Vitale was actually a sports personality for college basketball, Weilberg replied: “I think it’s obvious who’s a few fries short of a happy meal in this room, and I’ll give you a hint - it isn't me!”


Get rid of the "C"in BCS

Tropicana Near Bankruptcy Thanks to Devil Rays

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Tropicana Products, Inc., the maker of Tropicana orange juice, held a news conference yesterday to announce they were on the edge of bankruptcy. The culprit?? Continual crappy play by the Devil Rays, who play in company-sponsored Tropicana field.

Baseball fans all over the country have abandoned Tropicana orange juice en masse, fed up at the continual mediocre play of baseball’s worst franchise. Explains market analyst Charles Vitu, “No one is going to buy anything connected to the Devil Rays.”

A recent taste test held by Tropicana confirmed the company’s worst fears. When drinking Minute Maid (sponsor of the suddenly hot Houston Astros), taste-testers described the OJ as “great”, “satisfying”, and “a winner”. When drinking Tropicana, however, taste-testers used words such as “disappointing”, “pathetic”, and just outright “terrible”. Scientist Matthew Robbins explains, “Baseball fans have internalized the play of the Astros and the Devil Rays with their respective orange juice sponsors. They can’t help but taste sweet sweet success when drinking Minute Maid, and bitter disappointment when drinking Tropicana.”

Tropicana Products President Anthony Rossi is hoping for a miracle. “Is baseball still considering contraction?? Please get rid of the Devil Rays before they drive us into the ground!”


A "busy" night at Tropicana Field

On Fandom and Fantasy (Part 2)

By: Eric T
SportParody Columnist

Editor's note: This is the second of a two-part column. The first part was posted Friday, and can be seen here.

It’s one in the morning and I’m hunched over the keyboard with all the lights turned off. My face is bathed blue from the flicker of the computer screen, and I’m barely aware that I have five and a half hours until I have to wake up and go to work. But I’m not the least bit tired. It’s far more important that I finish this flurry of waiver wire pick-ups and trade proposals. And what do I get, if I succeed in raising my league rank from 9th to 6th, to get into the playoffs, to contend for first place? Bragging rights. Pride. Validation, the right to say that I do indeed know my sports, better than any of my friends. If you want to be a serious competitor, you can’t make rookie mistakes, like drafting players from your favorite team, picking up people off the free agent list just because you like their “hustle”, or staying away from others because you don’t like their character or lack of desire. These things don’t calculate into fantasy sports, and at the end of the day, if you want to win, to really win, you must care about only one thing: the numbers.

Statistics dominate everything in fantasy sports. RBIs, runs, ERA, WHIP, on base percentage. If I trade Mark Texiera for Mariano Rivera, the question isn’t “how will I remake my lineup and how much better does my bullpen become”, but “how many potential points do I lose and how many potential points do I gain?” You ask about rankings, average, and pitching statistics - all numbers.

This is where the fan in me argues with the virtual GM. Who cares about numbers? Who cares about the cold, dispassionate logic? I want heart, I want desire, I want guys with team chemistry, players who hustle everyday and look like they want to play for all the millions of dollars they make. I don’t care about personal numbers.

It’s difficult to work in GM mode and kill the little fan in me who howls in
anger when I pick up players I despise or trade for stars on hated rivals. It becomes all analysis and projection on the computer. Extended conversations with fellow fantasy players. Says the Yankee’s fan during a “GM Meeting”: “I’ll trade you Scott Rolen and Javier Vazquez for A-Rod.” The statement is doubly offensive to me because, A) It’s not a fair trade. Not even close. And because, B) Scott Rolen? I hate that guy. He’s a Cub killer and probably a punk. But B shouldn’t count, right? B is irrelevant in fantasy sports because whether I like it or not, Scott Rolen is a fantasy stud. I pause and give the trade some heavy thought, because my personal preferences don’t count, because though I might hate Scott Rolen, I realize that he hit 124 RBIs and 34 homeruns last year and is one of baseball’s best 3rd basemen. In the world of numbers, in the world of cold dispassionate fantasy, I WOULD trade for Scott Rolen and the Cardinals fan WOULD give an arm and a leg for Derek Lee, as long as (of course) the numbers justified it.

How could I as a fan allow one kind of action - disgusting and unthinkable - in the real world and accept, even encourage it in the virtual world? The strange exceptions we make for ourselves are made even stranger when we collectively as sports fans accept, even promote them. “Damn straight I’d accept that trade for A-Rod,” says the smart fantasy sports player who happens to be a Red Sox fan, “that’s a great deal, and I’d be an idiot to pass that up.” I wonder how the Red Sox fan who happens to be a smart fantasy sports player would react to that trade in real life.

On Fandom and Fantasy (Part 1)

By: Eric T
SportParody Columnist

Editor's note: This is a two-part column. The second part will be posted Monday.

A couple of months ago I had a strange conversation with a friend that I hadn’t seen in while. We started to talk baseball, about how the Cubs were doing (terribly at the time), their playoff hopes, and their recent spat of injuries. We then drifted into fantasy baseball and for some reason the conversation grew more interesting.

“Yeah, I have Reggie Sanders playing this weekend,” he said. “I just wish the Cubs weren’t playing them. I really need some production.”

“Oh really,” I said. My ears perked up and my eyes grew wide. I was suddenly interested in whatever he had to say about fantasy baseball.

“Man, it’s Prior too. You know what would be perfect? If Sanders could go 3 for 3 or something and hit three solo home runs, but have the Prior win by like 4 to 3.”

I was smiling and nodding when he said all this. And then I realized: Exactly when did hell freeze over? What day was it that I found myself agreeing with a fellow Cubs fan to wish that a Cardinals player hit three homeruns against Chicago’s ace? When didn’t I want a Cubs pitcher, any Cubs pitcher to not throw a perfect game and strike out 21 men? When did this kind of behavior become acceptable? It was then I knew I had somehow stumbled into this world, a world where my loyalties were dictated not by the color of a player’s uniform or by his hustle and character, but by whether he was on my fantasy team and what kind of numbers he put up. It was then that I realized that with fantasy baseball things got complicated.

Being a fan used to be straightforward. The Cubs were the good guys. Lovable losers. The Yankees, the big bad empire. The Cardinals, hated with a strange inferiority complex. If my team had a bad record then we were the underdogs, fighting all odds against the teams that kept chokeholds over the talent and money, teams like the Yankees and Red Sox. I would savor the rare wins against hated rivals, destroying their fifth starter in a nothing game that had no effect on the standings. I’d watch “close” games with bated breath, hoping to keep bragging rights for a few more days, a chance to taunt: “Ha ha, you got your asses swept by a last place team.” And I’d celebrate when that promising rookie would go 2 for 3, when that pitcher brought up from the minors would throw a scoreless inning with one strikeout, one hit. I’d relish the small victories and the pain would become a little more bearable.

If my team was one of the lucky few with a winning record, then it was no luck at all. It was divine providence, and there’d never be any doubt about who’d win it once playoffs came. I’d believe going into the All-Star break that my team, even with suspect relief pitching and an offense that relied on the long ball, was a team of destiny. Being a winner (and sometimes a loser) required me to be an unapologetic raving lunatic. I’d scream and yell at anyone who’d question the dominance of the Cubs during their 2003-2004 playoff run (though they only won 88 games in a weak division); I’d argue for hours with other fans about Prior vs. Zambrano and who (of course) deserved the Cy Young more. Yelling and arguing was mandatory. Look at fans today. What other venue or event allows you to scream obscenities at random strangers, opposing players, and even opposing fans without getting tossed out? Where else is it socially acceptable to paint large blue letters on your body, and if need be, on you face and over your bald head? Anywhere else outside a stadium it’d normally be read as a large “Kick Me” sign and a quick trip to prison. In this world large men dress as pigs in skirts (the Washington Redskins Hogettes) and wear black and silver spiked shoulder pieces like crazy Mad Max remakes (Raiders fans).

To anyone who’s never seen a second of sports in their life, this kind of behavior would seem like insanity. And it probably is. Yet to anyone who’s deeply familiar with sports and fandom, anyone who can empathize with the ups and downs of a beloved sports team, this kind of single minded fanaticism is acceptable and straightforward, this kind of behavior is perfect.

Wisconsin Coach to Step Down, Selects New Coach

By: Beaties
SportParody Staff Writer

Barry Alvarez, head football coach of the Wisconsin Badgers, announced last Thursday that this year will be his last, opting to take full responsibility as the school’s athletic director. When asked who would replace him, Alvarez replied, “This is a question I had to think long and hard about. It kept me up into the wee hours of the morning since I wanted to make the best choice possible. After much thought, the most logical conclusion I could come to is Mr. School Pride himself: Bucky Badger."

Alvarez continued: “I chose him out of the 35 people I interviewed because he was very quiet and let me do all the talking, and I like that. All these other people I interviewed constantly talked about how they would recruit, how they would run practice, what style of offense they would use - they just bored the hell out of me. But Bucky didn't say a word, which means he isn’t a talker. He’s a real go-getter, and that’s what this program needs.” When asked what good Bucky could possibly do for the school, Alvarez said, “I was able to get him for cheaper than other coaches, and I think that means something. He’s willing to work for only a few walnuts a week, so I’m saving my school money already.”


Bucky and his new coaching staff with exactly zero hours of football coaching experience.

Shaq Gives Criminals a Break

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Criminals across the nation breathed a sigh of relief as Shaquille O’Neal’s agent Perry Rogers announced a new 5 year, $100 million contract yesterday with the Miami Heat (article here).

O’Neal, who was recently sworn in as a US Deputy Marshal, has professed repeatedly his desire to become involved in law enforcement after retiring from basketball (article here). Thanks to his new contract, however, O’Neal’s second career will have to wait a few more years.

Criminals all over the country were overjoyed at the news. A drug dealer on Chicago’s south side who only gave his nickname, “Ice”, was relieved that undercover Shaq would not bust up his operation any time soon. “Shaq has true street smarts and is a master of disguise”, explained Ice. “If Shaq came up to me undercover I’d just assume he was another, random 7 foot 1, 325 pound guy.”

O’Neal issued a warning to all criminals out there not to celebrate too soon. “With my recent history of injuries”, said O’Neal, “I will be back on the streets catching criminals in no time.”


Officer Shaq lays down the law

Too Much Viagra for Palmeiro

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Baseball’s tough new line on steroids took down a big name yesterday.

Rafael Palmeiro, one of only four players to have 3000 hits and 500 homers, was suspended by Major League Baseball yesterday for failing a drug test.

Palmeiro, who in March pointedly denied using steroids in front of a congressional committee, continued to maintain his innocence. Said Palmeiro, “I am here to make it very clear that I have never intentionally used steroids. Never. Ever. Period.” (transcript here).

Palmeiro’s refusal to admit that he took steroids, at least willingly, confused baseball commentators who wondered if Palmeiro could really be so dumb as to take steroids “by mistake”. With Palmeiro’s once stellar reputation quickly going down the toilet, the Baltimore slugger held an emergency news conference last night to set the record straight.

“This is all a big misunderstanding”, said Palmeiro. “You see, about a month ago, I was having trouble, you know...performing. Let’s just say I had one too many little blue pills.” The 40-year-old Palmeiro, who is one of Viagara’s spokesmen, continued, “I knew it was a mistake to include a lifetime supply of Viagra in my contract.”

A spokesman for Pfizer, which manufactures Viagra, explained how Palmeiro may have failed his drug test. “Like steroids, Viagra makes you stronger, at least in a certain area.” The spokesman continued, “The drug test could have very easily confused high Viagra levels in Palmeiro’s bloodstream as steroids.”

Palmeiro, meanwhile, hopes this situation blows over quickly. “Never did I imagine that being a Viagra spokesman would lead to such embarrassment.”

Red-Hot Diamondbacks Surge into First Place

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

The Arizona Diamondbacks have been hotter than the Arizona summer heat.

Following a victory yesterday against the Chicago Cubs, the Red-Hot Diamondbacks have gone a scorching 13-14 in the month of July to pull ahead of the San Diego Padres in the National League West.

Skeptics may question the use of words like “red-hot” and “scorching” to describe a month of sub-.500 baseball, but ESPN baseball guru Peter Gammons argues otherwise. “For a NL West team to play near .500 baseball”, says Gammons, “is pretty damn good”.

Indeed, compared to the former high-flying Padres, the Diamondbacks have been on a tear. Their relentless slightly-below-average play has chipped away at what was a 5 ½ game lead at the start of July. Says veteran Diamondbacks outfielder Luis Gonzalez, “We are simply unstoppable.”

Diamondbacks manager Bob Melvin is simply amazed by the near-average play of his ball club. “Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we would ever come close to .500”, says Melvin. “If we keep playing like this we will clinch a playoff spot by the end of August.”


Even this Little League team could win in the NL West

J-Rod Mania Sweeps St. Louis

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer


Watch out A-Rod. There’s another Rodriguez in the big leagues now.

Well, technically, there are eight Rodriguez’s in the major’s, but none have created quite the buzz recently John Rodriguez, the new 27-year old outfielder for the Cardinals, has (article here).

The Cardinal Rodriguez, now popularly known as J-Rod, had toiled for years in minor-league obscurity before a recent run placed him squarely in the spotlight. Following an unreal stretch of 17 homers and 47 RBIs in only 34 games at Triple-A Memphis, J-Rod has continued his torrent hitting in his brief time at the majors, hitting .344 with 3 homers in only 32 at bats. Says J-Rod, “This is Friggin' Sweet!”

Rabid Cardinal fan and SportParody staff writer Beasties has become fully swept up in J-Rod mania. Says Beasties, “I would give my kidney to J-Rod if he asked for it. He is truly the second coming to Albert Pujols.” Other Cardinal fans have commented on how nice it is to have an outfielder who is not old and falling apart (i.e. Jim Edmonds, Larry Walker, Reggie Sanders) for a change.

Other Rodriguez’s in the big leagues have not jumped aboard the J-Rod bandwagon. Wandy Rodriguez, who sports a 6.18 ERA for the Astros, admits to feeling a twinge of jealousy. “Maybe if fans started cheering for me as W-Rod,” he says, “I would stop giving up so many homers.”

Nevin Stays With Padres; Becomes Full Member of the Team

By: Tomachu
SportParody Staff Writer

On Monday, Phil Nevin turned down a trade that would have sent him to the Orioles in return for Sidney Ponson (article here). Padres General Manager Kevin Towers made the announcement Tuesday saying that “Phil has elected to stay with the Padres and will be treated as a full member of the team.”

This came as a surprise to Nevin, who had never been treated as a full member of a team before. “After all I have done for this organization, it is about friggin’ time,” said a somewhat disturbed Nevin - a Padre since 1999. “I have been one of the teams’ main hitters, I play about anywhere they want me to - including catcher - and for the longest time I didn’t have the rights other members of the team had.” Nevin went on, “I gave my best years to this organization when we were ‘rebuilding’ and now that we’re in first they want to trade me?? That’s bullshit.”

Manager Bruce Bochy said Nevin’s reward for becoming a full member of the team would be less playing time and frequent benchings in favor of unproven minor leaguers. At the time of publishing the Padres have lost 8 of 9, are one game above .500, yet still are in first place in baseball’s sorriest division – The NL West.

Virus Outbreak Forces NFL Cardinals Away From Training Camp

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

The Arizona Cardinals announced Monday that they were moving the team training camp from the Northern Arizona University (NAU) campus after a virus outbreak occurred there (article here). NAU President John D. Haeger issued this statement: “The virus that has engulfed our campus ever since the Cardinals arrived here is called the WSV, or the West Suck-ass Virus. About 100 of our students contracted it after seeing the Cardinals get off the bus, which has led to flu-like symptoms such as vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, and stomach cramps.” V.P. of Football Operations Rod Graves had this to say about the situation: “The West Suck-ass Virus has been around the Arizona franchise for a long time. The reason the players are rarely affected by this virus is that most have grown immune to it since they've been exposed to suck-assness for so very long.”

The media asked Arizona Head Coach Dennis Green where his team would go to complete camp. Said coach Green, “Well I've been up all night contacting as many area cities as I could, but everyone hates us for some reason. The only option we have left is to conduct camp in Mexico. At least we can blame the diarrhea on the water there.”


At least Arizona fans have hot cheerleaders to distract them from how much their team sucks.

Get Ready for Mobley Mania!!

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

Guard Cuttino Mobley and the Los Angeles Clippers agreed to a 5-year, 42 million dollar deal last week to kick off the NBA free agent season (article here). When asked about how it felt to be the newest Clipper aboard, Mobley responded, "eh, it's ok... I guess."

Mobley’s lack of enthusiasm disappointed Clipper forward Corey Maggette, who emphasized the positive. “Believe it or not, the Clippers have actually made the playoffs before... once or twice, I think.”

Clippers’ coach Mike Dunleavy likewise chose to stay optimistic. “I really fell things are going to change around here”, said Dunleavy. When asked to clarify, he responded, “We’re getting a Pepsi vending machine to replace the Coke machine in the locker room. Maybe having Mountain Dew available for my players will help get them more wired up for a game or something.”

Mobley's agent Andy Miller ultimately saw the Clippers as the best team for Mobley’s professional development. "When my client played for the Magic and the Kings, there was simply too much other talent around for him to really shine and show his full mediocre potential," said Miller. "Now that he is a Clipper, he will become a full-fledged superstar. Get ready for Mobley Mania!!!”

Team Discovery Channel Overcomes Wussy Name; Leads Armstrong to Victory

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Lance Armstrong closed out his amazing career with a seventh consecutive Tour de France victory Sunday (article here). As Armstrong and his Discovery Channel team celebrated with toasts of champagne down the Champs-Elysees, cycling commentators were already calling Armstrong’s seventh and final victory the greatest ever.

Phil Liggett, commentator for OLN, explains, “What Armstrong did this tour is absolutely astounding.” He clarified further, “To win with a team as wussy-sounding as 'Discovery Channel'...unbelievable.”

Armstrong’s competitors were simply left to shaking their heads in disbelief for another year. Ivan Basso, the Italian who finished second to Armstrong almost 5 minutes behind, spoke of his initial optimism. “When I heard Armstrong had moved to ‘Team Discovery Channel’, I thought this would be the year. In middle school, I used to beat up the nerds who called themselves ‘Team Discovery Channel’”. Basso, however, found that his school-day experiences didn’t carry over into this year’s tour. “Lance’s team had a pansy-ass name, but he still kicked my ass.”

Watch Out: Here Come the Rockies!

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Editor

Rockies GM Dan O’Dowd held a news conference yesterday to make a startling announcement: The Rockies are coming back.

While the gathered media tried not to laugh, O’Dowd issued a warning to the division-leading San Diego Padres. “Watch out, Padres… Here come the Rockies!”

Despite having the worst record in the National League at 33-60, the Rockies have actually made up a few games on the division-leading San Diego Padres to come within a mere 16 games of the division lead… not because they have been playing well, according to O’Dowd, but because others have been playing especially terrible baseball.


National League West records since June 1:

Team W-L Pct.
Colorado 18-25 .419
San Francisco 18-26 .409
San Diego 17-26 .395
L.A. Dodgers 16-27 .372
Arizona 16-29 .356


“We’re not very good, and I’m not saying we have to be,” said O’Dowd. “We just have to suck less than everyone else.” O’Dowd continued, “Really, none of us (in the NL West) are very good. I think everyone sees that now.”

Todd Helton, Rockies first baseman, didn’t quite share O’Dowd’s optimism. “How many more days until the trading deadline? I just can’t wait till I’m out of this shithole.”

The Rumor is Out, the Devil Rays are Buyin’

By: Tomachu
SportParody Staff Writer

The Devil Rays shocked the world today by making a startling announcement. General Manager Chuck LaMar, who has been the D-Rays GM for their entire ten year existence, (and honestly should have been fired a number of years ago) held a press conference yesterday to announce that his team will be buyers during the next couple weeks before the trade deadline.

Tampa Bay, at the time of the announcement, was 32-63, 20 games out of first, and 19.5 games out of the wild card. Most would have thought that this team would be selling to try to improve on the future. Lamar, however, begged to differ. “Many people have given up on us for the year”, said Lamar. “You know, if we can get a few starting pitchers, a few bullpen pitchers, a decent third baseman, first baseman, second basemen, shortstop, a couple outfielders, a better front office, more fans to come to our games, have the planets align just right, and have every team in front of us lose about 70% of their games… I think we got a good chance to make the playoffs.”

LaMar added that this decision had nothing to do with manager Lou Pinella openly criticizing the Rays’ front office for not putting a decent team on the field for him to manage. Lamar reiterated how he really thought his team had a chance to make the playoffs for the first time in franchise history. “There is no reason to give up now, there are still 67 games left in the season.”

The Devil Rays’ GM also told the media that he has a lot of interest in most of the players on the trading block, including OF Aubrey Huff. When informed that he already had Aubery Huff, and that Huff has been playing for his team all year long, LaMar responded, “Opps, did I say Aubrey Huff? I meant Carl Crawford, I would really like to get Carl Crawford.”

Titans Add Henry, Think Super Bowl

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

The Tennessee Titans yesterday acquired running back Travis Henry from the Buffalo Bills for a third round draft pick. "I couldn't be more excited about the news,” said veteran Titan left tackle Brad Hopkins. "The addition of Henry adds even more strength to our offense, and it means coach Jeff Fisher will call more running plays which is good because I hate to pass block," said Hopkins. "We are definitely Super Bowl contenders now!"

Titans GM Floyd Reese is equally excited about the newest member to his team. "I think I’m a real genius here; we have two 1,000 yard running backs on our team now.” He continued, "If you count out the fact that we still have no defense, we got rid of three of our four best receivers, our quarterback Steve McNair was so hurt last year he contemplated retirement, and the fact that we already have a good running back in Chris Brown and the running back position is the least of our teams problems… I would say we made a pretty good trade.” Reese urged fans to stay positive, "We definitely have a chance to go all the way as long as none of our opponents show up on Sundays."

Tigers’ Farnsworth on Pace to Lead MLB in Tackles...Again

By: Tomachu
SportParody Staff Writer

On Sunday, July 17th, the Kansas City Royals and the Detroit Tigers were involved in a bench-clearing incident as hitters were targeted and tempers flared (this is the only time when a story about the Royals playing the Tigers will be worth reading). Royals' starter Runelvys Hernandez hit a couple of Tigers in the first inning; Brandon Inge and Chris Shelton, and Mike Maroth of the Tigers responded by hitting Kansas City outfielder David DeJesus.

The situation escalated in the sixth, when Hernandez then threw a pitch to Detroit shortstop Carlos Guillen that appeared to hit him in the foot. As Guillen headed to first, home plate umpire Marty Foster called the pitch a ball, and Guillen reluctantly dug back in the batter’s box. The miscall gave Hernandez another chance to do what he originally intended; hit Guillen in the head with his fastball. Guillen fell down, tossed the bat, had some choice words for the pitcher, and the benches cleared.

For awhile, both teams acted tough, with words being thrown back and forth, but the situation was under control. Enter Kyle Farnsworth. Farnsworth, who pitched for the Cubs last year, earned a well-deserved reputation on the North Side for his sucky pitching, his hangovers, and the tackle he performed on the Red’s Paul Wilson back in 2003. “I said to myself that there was no way I was coming out of the bullpen just to stand there”, said the Tigers' closer who has three saves on the year. “I saw Jeremy Affeldt standing all by himself, and decided to go and get him involved.”

Farnsworth proceeded to spear tackle a stunned Affeldt. “I was just standing there minding my own business, only being out there to support my team in whatever action they decided to take,” said Affedlt. “I saw Farnsworth come at me from about twenty feet away, said ‘Oh shit!’, and took a hit that I found to be unavoidable.”

In the end, seven players were ejected, and it is safe to say that some of them will be given a time out (suspension) for their childish actions. Farnsworth now has two career tackles in the Major Leagues. On a side note, the Royals won the game 5-0 to move within 31 games of the division-leading White Sox.

NHL and Players' Union Agree to End Lockout; No One Cares

By: Tomachu
SportParody Staff Writer

On Wednesday, July 13th, the NHL and the NHL players’ union reached a deal in principle on a six-year labor deal that could possibly end the lockout that canceled the 2004-2005 season. The deal is not official yet, but if everything goes to plan, training camps will open back up for all of the teams, and games will be back on the schedule in October.

Now that it looks like hockey might be finding a way to get back on the ice, millions upon millions of people are finding a way not to give a rat’s ass. “The last thing we need is to get hockey back into the sports mainstream”, said some anonymous person from Pennsylvania. “The only thing hockey was good for was to kill time between two Sportscenter shows on ESPN. Now that ESPN has come out with other miscellaneous crap for people to watch, we don’t need the floating turd that is the NHL to interfere with it.” A man playing catch with his two sons in Rhode Island had this comment. “Whenever my kids and I would watch TV, and a hockey game was on, I would tell my kids to turn away quickly to avoid watching the cesspool of North American athletics. I think they are better off because of my actions.”

The NHL has a lot to focus on in the coming months. Not only do they have to officially get this deal in the running and get the players back on the ice, they have to win back the hearts of the fans as well. Good luck.

Dominican Kindergartner Signs with Mets for $1.5 Million

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Editor

Two days after signing a 16-year old Dominican to a record $1.4 million contract, (article here), the New York Mets shocked baseball today by signing 5-year old Dominican Kindergartner Juan Morales for $1.5 million.

Morales, who plays “infield” for the neighborhood stickball league, was signed by Rafael Bournigal, the Mets’ director of international scouting. Said Bournigal, “Juan is the complete package. Hitting, fielding, he does it all.” Bournigal also raved about Juan’s success in less than ideal baseball conditions. “You hear how some players ‘hit the cover off the ball’. Well, with Juan, he hits the ragball so hard that it actually unravels.”

Mets general manager Omar Minaya justified the signing. “Juan continues with our overall plan of being active in the youth international market.” He continued, “We are looking for young prospects with ‘real’ upside potential…by the time they reach 18 and 19 they have already peaked.” Minaya ended with a positive look ahead, “20, 25 years from now, Juan is going to be a major contributor to the Mets organization. It is important to think for the long run.”

Minaya also announced a new intiative to identify and sign toddlers with promising baseball talent.



"Daddy, I'm a Millionaire!"

Jason Bay Shows up to HR Derby by Mistake, Hits Zero Home Runs

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Editor

In a historic night of baseball, Bobby Abreu obliterated the record for most home runs in the All-Star Derby with 41, besting Miguel Tejada’s old 2004 record of 27 by the second round. (article here)

Lost in the midst of this incredible performance was that of Jason Bay, the unfortunate batter who by accident followed Abreu’s slugfest. Bay, who had come to the Derby as a fan, became inspired at the performance and took to the field to launch a few homers of his own. “When I saw how easily Bobby (Abreu) was slugging those homers”, explained Bay, “I thought, ‘How hard can it be?’” Bay, who currently anchors the potent Pirates offense, proceeded to be completely shut out, only managing to loft a couple balls into shallow right field.

After the Derby, Bay could not hide his disappointment. “This sucks”, said Bay. “Now I remember that I suck again.”

Baseball and Softball cut from the Olympic Games

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

The Olympic Committee voted out baseball and softball from its Olympic Games in a surprise vote last Friday. "It's time we bring in sports that are more loved by the world and will generate more revenue for us", said IOC president Jacques Rogge. "Baseball and softball just don't have the world following even though they are played in Japan, Mexico, Cuba, Puerto Rico, China, Canada, and like 26 other nations." To replace the removed sports, Rogge suggested five others that were “more popular”. "We have come up with five smashing new sports that are sure to boost attendance numbers
through the roof - karate, squash, golf, rugby, and roller sports.”

Rogge went on to praise the individual merits of the new sports. "Have you seen the Karate Kid? Did you see all the people who were there for the valley karate championships in that movie, just imagine how many people will watch that if it’s an Olympic sport!" Rogge went on, "And I love squash too, not sure what the sport is like, but it makes a damn good side at the dinner table.” Rogge in the end admitted that these new sports would have some risk as well. "Even though roller sports fail to get the attention of anyone other than some surfers from California, we are prepared to take a chance on it anyways."

Rogge defended the IOC’s vote unequivocally, "So, as you can see folks, the IOC has taken logical steps to bring in better replacements for baseball and softball…Oh wow, I can't believe its noon! Time for the IOC to drop its daily acid!"

3 Yankees Make All-Star Game; 22 Others Fined

By: Tomachu
SportParody Staff Writer

The All-Star teams are final, and Yankee representation is surprisingly low. After years of dominating All-Star rosters, the Yankees only have three players on the squad this year. In a shocking upset, a chance for a fourth was shot down when Scott Podsednik of the White Sox grabbed the final AL spot in the final online poll, garnering more votes than Hideki Matsui and Derek Jeter.

Of course, much like he has all year long, George Steinbrenner, GM of the Yankees, had to respond. Not only did he hit his team hard with stinging criticisms to the media, he also hit his players’ wallets. Steinbrenner earlier today fined every Yankee player that didn’t make the All-Star game in Detroit $50,000 for, as he termed it, “lack of performance”. “I fork all of this money out there only to have my team be four games over .500”, said the angry GM. “How much better of a job am I supposed to do to win a friggin’ championship?”

Catcher John Flahrety, one of the 22 players fined, didn’t seem all that surprised or disturbed by the situation. “We have been having a bad year, at least based on what I think we can do”, said the backup catcher who has totaled 64 at-bats this year. “I know I don’t play much, and because of that I didn’t make the team, but if I did play everyday…………eh, who am I kidding? I still wouldn’t have made the team.”

Rumor has it that in the second half of the season, Steinbrenner might fine players for losses, bad at-bats, and any signs of facial hair.

Podsednik Declares White Sox Fans "Best in All of Baseball”

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

On Thursday, one day after White Sox left fielder Scott Podsednik expressed his gratitude to the White Sox organization and fans for their support (article here), the 2005 All Star reserve further elaborated on his sentiments. “A lot of people give my teammates credit for encouraging people to vote, but in the end it really came down to the best fans in all of baseball, those of the Chicago White Sox.”

Despite criticism of White Sox fans for not coming to games (their home attendance is worse than the Rockies, an AA organization that plays in Colorado), Podsednik counters by pointing out that there are other ways to support the team. “The reason our fans don’t come to games is either because they are of the loser breed or because they are locked up behind bars. I would like to thank all the bums, losers, and thugs who decided to stay at home and vote for me,” said Podsednik.

Podsednik made a special point of thanking his incarcerated fans. “I would like to thank prisons from all across the Chicagoland area for enabling my thug supporters to get on a computer and vote for Scott Podsednik.” Podsednik thought that the biggest reason he got votes from the prisoners was because of what they had in common. “I enjoy pissing off pitchers by threatening to steal bases. They enjoy pissing off the po po by stealing (and harassing, punching, mugging, mauling, killing, etc.). I appreciate what they do, and they appreciate what I do. I think that mutual respect ended up giving me the slight edge over Jeter.”

REALSPORTS: Nationals Continue to Forget Their Team Sucks

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Editor

Following back to back series sweeps over the Pirates and the Cubs last week, the Washington Nationals have ridden a recent 11-2 stretch to a convincing 4 ½ game lead in their division. Even more impressive, the Nationals have run out to first place in arguably the toughest division in baseball, the NL East, where all 5 teams are still in playoff contention.

This unbelievable run has caught all of baseball by surprise, as the Nationals have virtually the same makeup as a terrible Expos team which finished 67-95; 29 games behind in the standings last year.

Many credit manager Frank Robinson’s “forget that you suck” approach to the Nationals’ inexplicable success. Explains Robinson, “If you look at our roster, you can see... we have a lot of bush-league talent on this team. So I told my players, forget about your lack of skills, your lack of talent… Just go out there and play your ass off.”

A model of this new philosophy has been shortstop Christian Guzman, who currently has a batting average of .201 to accompany his 3 home runs and 13 RBIs. “Let’s be honest…I suck”, says Guzman. “But with Frank, it doesn’t matter. He tells us to forget it and just play hard.” Guzman foresees the future only getting brighter, “I’m confident I’ll hit .210 by the end of the season.”

Robinson likewise sees a bright future ahead. “Many teams dismiss us as lucky. But what’s going to happen when players like Guzman (BA .201), Wil Cordero (.119) and Junior Spivey (.224) start hitting .230, .240, or dare I say it, .250?!? We’re going to be one scary team.”

Beasties: Shaun Alexander - "Let's Do What's Right"

By: Beasties
Sportparody Staff Writer

Seattle Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander has caused consternation in Seattle, holding out for a new long term contract. (article here) Critics claim the only reason he is doing this is simply for money. But, according to Alexander: "It's a matter of principle.” Alexander explains further, “The Seahawks have asked me to play for 6.2 million this season, and it's just not enough. I would love to see my critics try to live on what little money I make. Why, for that, you can barely buy two mansions, five Rolls Royce’s, a personal workout facility, a staff to cook, clean, and bathe me…the list goes on and on." Alexander continued his rant, "The Seahawks are practically asking me to live on the street just so they can stay under some stupid thing I’ve never heard of called a salary cap." Alexander ended with an appeal for sympathy, "I hope the public can see the pain and suffering this franchise is putting me through right now."

Seattle Supersonics star Ray Allen, who just signed a new contract himself the other day (article here), offered this advice: "I'm the star for my team just as you are yours. I could have taken more money to play somewhere else, but I decided to stay here.” Alexander immediately responded to Allen’s remarks by saying, "If you didn't take more money from your team, you must be a damn idiot!" Alexander, realizing he was in an interview, quickly corrected himself: "I mean, Allen should have been more principled in his decision, just like I am with mine.”

SouthsideBrawlers: Roenick Declares Athlete Worst Profession in World

By: SouthsideBrawlers
Sportparody Staff Writer

Shortly after telling hockey fans to “kiss my ass,” (article here) Philadelphia Flyers' Center Jeremy Roenick decided to evoke more sympathy for hockey players and professional athletes in general. “Playing hockey for money sucks. The money, the fame, the girls…it’s all overrated. Take the groupies for instance. As a hockey player, you get so many that you end up getting sore. I do enough shooting and scoring during the game. The body can only take so many thrust-in, thrust-out maneuvers. I get sore enough from the game so I don’t need to get sore afterwards, especially where it really counts.”

In addition to physical pain from getting so many women, Roenick complains he can not handle the emotional stress of not having enough money to support his fellow groupies. “The average hockey player sleeps with 2 women a day. After a victory, that average goes up to about 5. Now that is the AVERAGE player. If you are a star, such as myself, that number gets really up there, maybe as high as 20 after crucial victories throughout the season. It’s impossible to have enough condoms, so I can’t use protection for all these women. Over an 82 game season, do you realize how many illegitimate children this adds up to? If the fans can’t understand this, they can kiss my ass.”

Roenick later admitted that if it weren’t for Latrell Sprewell, he would not have had the guts to make his recent comments about hockey fans. Says Roenick, “I would have to say Latrell is definitely my role model. There is no doubt about his basketball skills, but his choking ability is under rated. Not to mention that basketball players get laid even more than hockey players. I can definitely feel his pain when he says, ‘I have a family to feed.’”

REALSPORTS: Yaroslav Korolev First Foreign Guy With a Funny Name Taken in 2005 Draft

By: REALSPORTS
Sportparody Editor

Yaroslav Korolev, a 6-9, 18 year old raw prospect from Russia, could hardly believe his ears when he heard David Stern struggle to pronounce his name last night as the 12th overall pick in the 2005 NBA Draft. “I’m so happy”, said Korolev, “America’s been very very good to me.”

There had been much speculation over the past few weeks over which foreign player with a funny name would be taken first. (Andrew Bogut, the Aussie first overall pick, was not in the running because his name wasn’t funny-sounding) Although Korolev was the favorite, speculation surrounded other funny-sounding guys such as Ersan Ilyasova, Roko Ukic, Erazem Lorbek, Uros Slokar, Cenk Akyol, and, of course, Martynas Andriuskevicius. Dick Vitale, doing commentary for ESPN, was shocked at Korolev’s selection, saying on air, “Where’s the love for Martynas Andrijoepasduskeveioeogokajsdenicius, baby??” As Vitale butchered through the Latvian’s name, so much spit and phlegm flew out of his mouth that it temporarily short-circuited ESPN’s cameras.

David Stern, for one, felt like he dodged a bullet this draft. “Thank God most of these funny-sounding foreign guys went in the second round. My assistant Russ Granik handled the second round, so he had to read all those funny names. That’s ok though. Russ Granik is my bitch.”



Latvia...home to Martynas Andriuskevicius and this bikini model. How can they be from the same country???

Eric T: A Matter of Business; A Matter of Race

By: Eric T
Sportparody Columnist

The NBA’s new collective bargaining agreement inked out over a week ago is a matter of business. Business, which is good for everyone. Good news for the owners, who will enjoy relaxed trading rules and larger salary caps. Good news for the veterans, who will receive increased pensions after retirement. Good news for the league, which will conduct four random drug tests per year on players for performance enhancing and recreational drugs. Not to mention harsher penalties for violations, more jobs for the average basketball player (roster increases from 12 to 14 players a team), and less debilitating max contracts. The new agreement seems to benefit everyone in the league, everyone, it seems, but for a new little rule that requires a player to be over the age of 19 to declare for the NBA draft. Not so good news for the aspiring high-school prep.

It can be argued that David Stern’s tremendous push for an age limit for the NBA draft is the consummate business decision. Amid the lagging attendance, the shrinking ratings, Stern had to do something to counteract the public perception that the game has been increasingly dominated by a youth movement, a movement that features raw athleticism, outrageous dunks, and sloppy turnovers instead of good old passing, dribbling, and defense. He had to remind them of the happy days, when Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan stayed in school for at least a couple years, when they came into the league ready and polished. The age limit will also do wonders for both the NCAA Basketball college game. It will enjoy a tremendous influx of talent for the first time in probably ten years, serving as a sort of minor league, much like the NFL and its college counterpart, preparing young athletes in the fundamentals of the game: the lost art of the mid-range jumper and lay-up. On paper, this is an outstanding business decision. Improve public perception of the game and the product on the court while providing a boon to your college “minor league” system. Give your future pros relevant basketball training and competition, and while they’re at it, some kind of college education, instead of a seat on the end of a bench, eating precious salary cap space, learning nothing and doing nothing. It makes sense, it makes perfect sense, and as a matter of business, it makes the most sense.

It's a matter of business. But it's also a matter of race, and no matter how hard one analyzes, prods, and pokes, one can’t escape the unfortunate fact that the rule will selectively exclude a certain group. It's a little unfair, to make this claim - after all, this draft limit will only affect kids under 19: where's the race issue? The problem is that one can’t examine and consider this stipulation in vacuum; one can’t simply assume that it has the same impact on everyone, every group. There’s social context, there’s financial context, there’s an individual context. And unfortunately, under this rule one and only one minority group will be barred from declaring for the NBA draft after high school. Under this rule only one minority group will be unable to make millions of dollars from teams gladly willing to pay it. Is this fair? Is this discrimination? Is this racism?

Other sports don’t have it so hard. In tennis you can declare yourself a pro at anytime, provided you can back it up and make the cut. Same with golf. Baseball allows teams to draft players right out of high school, pay millions and then shove them into a minor league system where they can forget about them. Hockey was the same as basketball before it went out of business. Track and field, skating, wrestling - all the “amateur” sports of the Olympics utilize athletes at any age, provided they can perform. Of all the major sports (and many of the minor ones) only basketball and football, will now have an age limit. Unlike basketball, however, football enjoys a (more) diverse body of athletes. NFL’s rule, though questionable enough to be challenged by one Maurice Clarett, is much less discriminatory than the NBA’s.

But I won’t hyperbolize. The NBA isn’t racist. David Stern is certainly not racist The forces at work here are not agreeing to this rule under the precepts of hate or bigotry – they are agreeing to it as the best form of business, and nothing else. The intent, above all else, is purely for the good of the game, for the good of business, and for the fans. These are reasonable expectations and standards to have. But is this fair, is this discrimination? Yes and no. While the intent of David Stern, the owners and union, is essentially innocent, the use of an age limit is discriminatory. They certainly don’t mean for it to be discriminatory, but you’d be ignorant about the state of the game of basketball not to know exactly who is affected by this rule. It’s a sort of blind eye discrimination. A subtle discernment, a turning of the shoulder, a look-the-other-way type of ignorance. It’s something that when placed on paper and ink, put behind a glass case, called something else entirely, can seem harmless – even beneficial. It’s also something that excludes and separates, something that discerns and singles out. It’s not racism. And it's not quite discrimination. But it's something close.

SouthsideBrawlers: Carl Everett Decides to Quit Baseball, Run for President

By: SouthsideBrawlers
Sportparody Staff Writer

In an astonishing development, Carl Everett, one of baseball’s most hated players, decided yesterday it was time to “hang ‘em up” and run for president. Apparently, Everett, 34, became motivated after receiving word that he had won a poll on Comcast Sportsnet, a Chicago cable provider that televises the majority of White Sox games. The poll asked which White Sox player would make the best president, and the results had a whopping 24% in favor of Everett. This news came recently after the White Sox slugger lashed out against gays, expressed the need to implode Wrigley Field, and hinted that 99% of baseball fans were actually fanatics, according to the July 2005 edition of Maxim magazine. Afterward, in an interview on Comcast Sportsnet Chicago, Everett claimed he had no regrets since it was his opinion.

While most owners would be upset at a player quitting on the team with the best record in the major leagues, White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf, who has proved his loyalty to players such as Eddy Curry and Jay Williams in the past, is doing the same with Everett. Said Reinsdorf, “I think [Everett] would make a great president. The fact that he dislikes Wrigley Field shows a quality in him that any good president must possess: quality judgment and decision making.” Reinsdorf explained further, “Clearly, U.S. Cellular Field is much more picturesque than Wrigley. The North side stadium faces the lake, while ours faces the projects. Wrigley has ivy, we have padded walls. And most important, we offer a sausage fest when you come to our park. At Wrigley, there are plenty of hot, robust, shagadelic women. You will definitely not find that at the Cell. Finally, if the game is not going as planned, we have hired thugs to beat up the opposing teams’ coaches, which provides entertainment to our average home attendance of 96 fans. I know I may be a little biased, but believe me, Mr. Everett has shown me that he knows what he is talking about.”

Everett has not commented on what he plans to do if he becomes president. However, a source close to the White Sox designated hitter has hinted that Everett plans on destroying all baseball stadiums not named U.S. Cellular Field.

Beasties: Rockies Say Heck No To Fuentes Deal

By: Beasties
Sportparody Staff Writer

The Colorado Rockies have been rumored to be shopping some of their young talent as the trading deadline approaches. But when it comes to dealing relief pitcher Brian Fuentes to the Florida Marlins, the Rockies say hell no! “Those fighting fish are just ridiculous”, said Rockies GM Dan O’Dowd. “They refuse to throw in a reliever we value very very highly, pitcher Guillermo Mota.” O’Dowd explained further, “There are two things we love here in Colorado, super high homerun totals and a really high team ERA and Whip from our pitchers.”

According to O’Dowd, Mota is a terrific fit for the Rockies with an ERA of 6.10 and an equally high whip of 1.89. “As Rockies GM, I am committed to the historical prestige of Rockies pitching, and this trade would really take us to another level." O'Dowd, meanwhile, had a problem with Fuentes' style of pitching. "I mean, I don’t dislike Fuentes or anything, but his ERA is just way too low and he strikes out too many batters. We look for team unity here in Colorado, and Brian’s ERA of 2.91 just doesn’t mesh with our team’s proud ERA of 5.63." Despite Fuentes' problems with the Rockies, O'Dowd promised to hold tight for a better deal. Said O'Dowd, "Since the Marlins refuse to trade us Mota, they can just forget about getting Fuentes.”

When asked to respond to the comments made by O’Dowd, Larry Beinfest, the Marlins GM, asked the media a serious question. “Are the Rockies in the Major League? I thought they were a farm team for the Angels or something, my bad yo.”

REALSPORTS: Grunting Threatens Women’s Tennis

By: REALSPORTS
Sportparody editor

Sick of the high-decibel squeals of tennis stars such as Maria Sharapova? So is outgoing Wimbledon referee Alan Mills.

After 22 years as the tournament's top official, Mills says there's now more grunting than ever - and he believes the future of women’s tennis is at jeopardy because of it.

“Listen, we all know that women’s tennis is just an excuse to watch attractive women in skimpy outfits without feeling (too) dirty about ourselves. We’ve gone a long way since the days of beastly, unattractive women such as Billie Jean King and Martina Navratilova.”

But Mills is very concerned about how today’s young female tennis players are handling themselves on the court. “Grunting is very un-ladylike and unappealing. It’s just not right to have attractive young women grunting like primordial cavemen.”

Mills singled out current tennis hot item Maria Sharapova for criticism. “Maria is one foxy lady. But her grunts are over 100-decibels…roughly the same volume as that of small aircraft landing nearby! How the hell am I supposed to fantasize about her now??”


Think she's attractive?? Wait till you hear her grunt!!

heyjimbo: Bears Waive The Aging Krenzel

By: heyjimbo
Sportparody Staff Writer

The Chicago Bears on Tuesday waived quarterback Craig Krenzel, apparently, for being too old. Krenzel, 23, who was a fifth-round pick in the 2004 NFL draft, appeared in six games last year, starting five, and compiled a 3-2 record with wins against the 49ers, Titans and the New York Giants. He was the team’s first quarterback in nearly 40 years to start his career with 3 straight victories.

He injured his ankle against the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day and his season, possibly career has ended. Bears President and CEO Ted Phillips added, “You have to do what’s best for the ball club. Our goal has always been to have the youngest and least experienced quarterbacks in the league.”

With Krenzel gone and the ancient injury prone Rex Grossman having only but one or two more seasons left before retirement, the Bears have proclaimed former Purdue Boilermakers quarterback Kyle Orton as their #1 guy. At 22, Orton certainly is a good fit for the Bears. GM Jerry Angelo mentions, “With Orton, you have a guy who is about as young as you can get and has absolutely no NFL experience under his belt. Now if the NFL would just ease up on their rules that college players can’t enter the draft until their junior season.”

Angelo later goes on to add that the Bears front office ultimate goal is to be the first NFL team to get to draft a quarterback straight out of high school. “It would be a dream come true.” Angelo said.

REALSPORTS: BREAKING NEWS...Local Hoops Star Jeremy Curtiss Enters NBA Draft

By: REALSPORTS
Sportparody Editor

You heard it hear first, folks- Local Champaign, IL hoops legend Jeremy Curtiss declared for the NBA draft at lunch today. "The NBA?" said Curtiss, "Fuck yeah, I'll play in the NBA." Curtiss was eating a $2.49 daily special BMT sub from Subway when he made this startling announcement.

Curtiss has an impressive basketball background that is sure to impress the scouts. At 6'0'', 225 lbs, Curtiss doesn't quite fit the NBA mold, but what he lacks in stature he makes up for in heart. "I am a true competitor", says Curtiss. "I will do anything it takes (besides playing defense, grabbing rebounds, and running) to help my team win." Curtiss shoots an impressive 33% from the floor during neighborhood pickup games. Explains Curtiss, "Those baskets have double rims, and sometimes it's windy, and sometimes people play defense. You add up all those factors and you realize it takes a truly extraordinary basketball player like myself to shoot 33%."

Curtiss, currently a loan specialist at Argent Mortgage in Schamburg, IL, said the decision to switch careers wasn't taken lightly. "Processing loans all day is awesome. But I owe myself a chance to follow my dream of becoming an NBA superstar. Back in middle school, all those kids who voted me "the best white basketball player", they believed in me, and I'm gonna go all the way baby!!"

Eric T: Forgettable Duncan

By: Eric T
Sportparody Columnist

As Detroit soundly defeated San Antonio Tuesday night in Game 3 of the NBA Finals, I couldn’t help feeling that there wasn’t any doubt Tim Duncan and his Spurs would win the series and take the NBA title anyways. True, there is the much lauded Eastern Conference with their Dwayne Wades’ and LeBron James’. But who honestly believes that the top teams of the East are anything but at least few years away from glory? For the present, the West is still king – with Tim Duncan sitting at the top in the prime of his career, with his two MVPs, two championship rings (soon to be three) - the Finals crown, dominated by the West six out of the last seven years, passed from Shaq to Duncan to Shaq and back. Truly, if we were to measure present day success and near future potential, we would probably find Duncan (sorry Shaq, it seems that the wheels have fallen off) to be the current king of the NBA. So why doesn’t it feel that way?

We love our most complex sports figures, the ones who always find ways to make us smile and frown and shake our heads. They have a certain weight, even though we might not always agree with their actions or words, a weight that forces us to watch their spectacle. Mike Tyson. Past his prime, drained of talent or desire, playing only for money, yet still a wonder to watch. True, he’s a shell of his former self, the terrifying monster he used to be, but he fascinates us with his (dare I say) complexities, his faults and weaknesses. He has weight in his threats and crazy outbursts, and he tantalizes us with a promise, a hope that he could still explode with the same ferocity that he used to have. We know it won’t happen. Yet months from now, when he schedules another fight with the latest wash-up, you and I both know that we’ll be watching. And I think it’s the same with nearly all of our greatest and most socially relevant athletes. Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali, Jim Brown, Babe Ruth. The ones not without flaws, the ones that brood, are troubled and complex. They make themselves compelling to watch. They become human in their superhuman feats, and it allows us to sympathize and root for these transcendent talents.

And here’s the thing about Tim Duncan. No one can doubt his talent. Career numbers of 23 point, 12 rebounds, and 2.5 blocks a night. Two rings, a two time league and finals MVP, and yearly passes to the All-Star game, All-Defensive team, All-NBA First Team. The list goes on and on. But what can we say about Duncan himself? Can we say that he has force, that he has weight? Is he a killer, a screamer, a rip-your-heart-out competitor? No. Duncan’s none of these things, and in many ways, above all these things. He’s quiet and soft spoken. Articulate, intelligent, workman-like, and a classic leader by example. He lacks the problems that the public cares about and carefully hides the rest. He’s a nice guy, and by default, forgettable. Drama, the spotlight, the public collective consciousness loves emotion, loves the rawness of pain and power. Tim, he gives us none of that.

At the end of the day Duncan probably smiles about it all. He has two rings and will probably have three in two weeks. He sports more hardware in MVP, first teams, defensive player, and championship trophies than I ever had in grade school perfect attendance ribbons. And he deserves it all. But damn. You have to wonder whether he’d trade it all to be forever remembered in a screaming pose or burst of emotion. Probably not. But damn if I wouldn’t trade all my perfect attendance ribbons to remember him twenty years from now as something more than just a nice guy.

REALSPORTS: Future NBA Stars Flying Under the Radar

With a record 69 underclassmen and high school seniors declaring for the upcoming NBA draft, we here at sportparody.blogspot.com have decided to focus on some of the lesser-known NBA hopefuls. With all the attention going to future lottery picks Andrew Bogut, Marvin Williams, and co., a number of early entries into the upcoming NBA draft have flown under the radar. In this article, we will profile these future NBA superstars who so far have been largely ignored by the media.

B.J. Spencer
Jacksonville St., Jr.
G, 190lbs, 6'4''

Spencer was an integral part of a Jacksonville St. team that finished 7-22, 2-14 in conference. Averaging 11.7 pts/game on 41.1% FG shooting, Spencer takes full credit for his team's success. "If it weren't for me," said Spencer, "Jacksonville St. would not have finished in last place in the powerhouse Ohio Valley conference by merely one game. We would easily have finished in last place by two or three games." When asked to comment further, Spencer added, "not everyone can shoot 40% from the floor. And most of my misses hit the rim...does that show up in the stats?"

Chris Rodgers
Arizona, Jr.
G, 210, 6'4''

Rodgers was an integral part of a Wildcats team that made an Elite 8 run in the NCAA tournament last March. As the 7th leading scorer on the team with 5.5 pts/game, Rodgers’ true value to the team could be seen more off the court. “Chris was great at getting us water and towels and stuff like that,” said Channing Frye, Rodgers’ former teammate and projected first round pick. “Sure, we had waterboys to do this stuff, but none of them had the athleticism that Chris did.”

Wildcats coach Lute Olson is encouraged by Rodgers’ ambition. “You watch the way Chris waves his towel from the bench, and his enthusiasm is just infectious. He will make a fine benchwarmer in the NBA one day.”

Brian Kim
Vanguard Univ, Jr.
G, 205, 6’5’’

Kim was the leading scorer at Division III Vanguard University with 14.8 pts/game on 38.1% shooting. In leading his team to a 10-19 overall record (5-15 in conference), Kim proved that he could be a winner 33% of the time. “I’m a shooter, plan and simple,” said Kim. “I will take shots anyplace, anytime, anywhere. Double-teamed, triple-teamed, it doesn’t matter. I’m fearless.”

Kim honed his basketball skills at his neighborhood playground in hoops-crazy British Columbia. Local hoopsters were ecstatic at the news. “I used to play against Brian all the time,” said Tony G, a regular on Kim’s old court. “and if Brian makes it to the NBA, let’s just say I’m a future hall-of famer.”

REALSPORTS: Randy Moss calls Kerry Collins greatest QB ever

At a news conference yesterday, Randy Moss made news calling Kerry Collins a better QB than Daunte Culpepper. After a night of mulling this over, Moss today realized he had understated Collins' ability, and called a new conference today to proclaim Kerry Collins "the greatest quarterback ever".

"I consider myself a football expert", said Moss, "and in my opinion Kerry Collins is the greatest quarterback in NFL history. Even though I've never played with him, I'm 100% confident that Kerry Collins is the greatest ever."

The Raiders quarterback was glad someone finally recognized his true ability. "I'm the ultimate team player", said Collins, who has 153 TDs and 154 INTs in his career. "Quarterbacks like Peyton Manning are selfish because they only throw to one team. I like to share the wealth."

Moss went on to proclaim Raiders' running back LaMont Jordan "the greatest running back ever" and Raiders' long snapper Adam Treu "the greatest long snapper ever". He also went on to call Raiders fans "the classiest fans in the NFL."

REALSPORTS: Barmes lives dangerously, ruins season

Clint Barmes has always lived life on the edge. Whether washing the dishes or doing the laundry, the Colorado Rockies rookie shortstop has always lived dangerously. His risky lifestyle finally caught up to him last Sunday when Barmes broke his left collarbone while carrying groceries up the stairs in his apartment building.

"He should've seen this coming", said teammate Brad Hawpe. "Clint is nicknamed 'Psycho' for doing the craziest shit. While the rest of us are speeding on motorcycles and driving piss-ass drunk, Clint just needs more excitement in his life. Like last week he took his dog for a walk!! How is this guy still alive???"

Rockies manager Clint Hurdle was more than a little upset upon hearing the news. "Clint was having an amazing season, being the frontrunner for Rookie of the Year, and we kept warning him... 'Slow Down, Chill Out...' But he kept doing all these dangerous household chores, and now his season is ruined."

Barmes, despondent at his misfortune, received a consolation call from Glenallen Hill the other day. Hill suffered serious injuries while having a bad dream about spiders while with the Blue Jays.