College Bball has Thugs, Too

One more article from SouthSide:

Read these articles and tell me do you still think there are more thugs in the NBA than in college? How can you leave someone for dead? Apparently there were other players on the team who did not call for help either. Just because you are worse at basketball does not mean you are a better person. Also, there is no way that highly recruited players like Greg Oden and Kevin Durant are worse kids than Jamar Smith, Chester Frazier, and others who cared only about themselves and not at all about their near fatal teammate. And if Bruce lets these kids stay on the team, he is not as good of a guy as we thought. I would rather have him pay Oden, who has almost a 4.0 GPA and would not almost kill a teammate and spit on his corpse. This is a big story which could possibly be an end to our program. How the mighty have fallen just like that.

Also, I think if something similar happened involving NBA players, this would definitely be more of a national story. I think this story is mostly being publicized locally. Even locally, the chief's last game is a bigger story, which is ludicrous. College basketball players are not student athletes, they are minor league NBA players. The great ones get called up to the big leagues.

Article here
Article here

NBA All-Star Mayhem

Another article from SouthSide:

REALSPORTS, here is another interesting article you can put up on the site. There is a nice little slam against the fox news of sports.

Article here

The Black KKK?

SouthSide submits the following:

Wow, some really strong comments in this article. At least someone is willing to talk about the issue. If a white guy wrote this, there would definitely be people playing the race card. That's probably why Americans are too scared to talk about it. Then when there really is racism, it gets ignored. That's too bad.

Btw, I was thinking about the other article. Vegas was dangerous during the All Star game, but the biggest story was about a football player, not a bball player getting in trouble. And look at teams like the Bengals. Why is the NFL not thought of as the league of thugs?

Article here

Clean Up Football Recruiting?? That's a "Gonzaga Mushroom Dream"

Gene Wojciechowski has a great article on Ron Zook's recent recruiting coup at Illinois. While he doesn't pass judgment on Zook, he does call into question the entire recruiting process. He recounts a coversation recently between two coaches:

"How's it going?" said the coach.

"Great," said the other coach. "I love being lied to by 17-year olds."

Article here



And you thought used car salesmen were shady

Kevin Durant's the Man

From SOUTHSIDE BRAWLERS:

This is why the 19 year old age limit in the NBA is a good thing. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to watch some of today's great NBA players, who came straight out of high school, play in college?

Thanks to the age limit the NBA instituted last year, we can start to get a feel of what could have been. Kevin Durant is the best player that college basketball has seen in quite some time. Dan Wetzel of Yahoo Sports tells us the impact that he already is having on the college hoops scene.

Article here.

The Secret to Good Pitching... Yoga???

Great article in the NY Times here.



Ommmmmm Ommmmmm

Cubs, White Sox, Cardinals Ticket Info

REALSPORTS is a HUGE Cubs fan, and I am ready to pounce on these upcoming Cubs ticket sales:

White Sox tickets (Friday, February 16 at 10 AM)

Cubs tickets (Friday, February 23 at 10 AM)

Cardinals tickets (Saturday, March 3 at 9 AM)



Some of the hottest games will sell out literally seconds after they go on sale. Make sure you act fast to get the game you want!


If you want up-to-date ticket info, including hard-to-find presale passwords, click here. I've tried other sites, but this site is the most reliable and the most comprehensive.




You would never see girls like this at a White Sox game

Baseball Teams Limit Playoff Tickets to “Real” Fans

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Following an article yesterday in the Wall Street Journal commenting on the increasing difficulty of “rank-and-file” baseball fans to secure playoff tickets, teams have responded by defending their policies to protect the “real fans” of baseball.

“We vigorously defend this policy”, says Dave Howard, executive vice president of business operations for the New York Yankees. “By limiting playoff tickets to season-ticket holders, we ensure that our real fans have access to the most important games.” When asked what fans who couldn’t afford season tickets should do, Howard did not offer much sympathy. “Listen”, says Howard, “if you’re not willing to shell out thousands of dollars for season tickets, then you’re clearly not a real fan. In fact, if you’re only paying a couple thousand for tickets, you’re one pretty cheap bastard, and you only deserve to get playoff tickets to one game, in the bleeding-nose section. Come to mention it, that’s our new policy, and I say those cheap-ass fans are pretty lucky for even that. The real, true, diehard fans are the ones who are paying at least $10,000 for tickets.”

James Dawson, a New York-based investment banker who is paying $75,000 for a pair of season tickets behind home plate, agrees with the Yankees’ policy of limiting playoff tickets. Says Dawson, “The true Yankees fans are those investment bankers and corporate lawyers sitting in the skyboxes and down near the field. I mean, why else would we be paying so much for tickets unless we were true fans?”

Despite Dawson’s “true” love of the Yankees, he admits to not knowing much about the team, or of baseball itself. “I don’t even go to most games,” he says, “I give away the tickets to clients to keep them happy. When I do go, I’m usually on my phone making business deals. Baseball’s such a boring sport anyway. That’s why I was in science club instead of Little League when I was growing up.”


Thanks, George

Champaign, IL Hoops Legend Jeremy Curtiss Skips out on Honeymoon to Get Married

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Last weekend was one of the greatest weekends in Jeremy Curtiss’ life. Curtiss, a Champaign, IL hoops legend who was once voted the “best white basketball player” in middle school (article here), got married last weekend to his girlfriend of six years. More importantly, however, Curtiss watched his beloved Chicago Bears maul the hapless Detroit Lions 34-7 last Sunday at a local Buffalo Wild Wings the day after his wedding. Said Curtiss, “Yeah getting married was cool and all, but the Bears game, now THAT was awesome.”

Immediately following the wedding, Curtiss left with his new bride to Mexico for a Honeymoon. Before leaving, Curtiss was found to be in especially high spirits. “This Honeymoon is going to be awesome”, said Curtiss. “Not only do I get to consummate my marriage, but they got an all-you-can-eat buffet there! How awesome is that!” He continued, “Between that sweet buffet and the warm feelings that come over me thinking about how awesome the Bears are, this Honeymoon is going to be perfect.”

The Honeymoon reached a bit of a snag, however, when Curtiss realized that his flight from Mexico would not return in time to catch the next Bears game on Sunday against the Vikings. Distraught, Curtiss tried to end the honeymoon early, but to no avail. “Jeremy Michael Curtiss!” exclaimed his irate wife, “You’re not ruining our honeymoon because of some stupid football game!” Curtiss, not knowing how to respond, simply muttered, “They’re not stupid…”

Torn between having to choose between the love of his life and his new wife, Curtiss found himself in a tough situation. After much thought over the midnight buffet, Curtiss found he had no choice. “Funk this”, said Curtiss. “I’m skipping out early on my Honeymoon so I can watch the Bears.” When pressed about this curious and potentially marriage-threatening decision, Curtiss explained, “Yeah, it’s true that if I leave early my wife might never forgive me. But if I miss the Bears game I’ll never forgive myself. It’s just all a matter of setting priorities, and I think I’ve got my priorities set right.”



















Jeremy's Dream

Are You Ready For Some Football???

To prepare you for the upcoming season, here’s a collection of our best football articles in the archives:

An interview with Rush Limbaugh

Lesbian cheerleaders and their sexual escapades

Fight for the last NFL groupie

NCAA eliminating cheerleaders?

USC utterly dominant

Barry Alvarez’s successor

Virus outbreak forces Arizona Cardinals away from training camp


I'm ready for some football

LeBron: Greece doesn’t play “Real Basketball”

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

The United States basketball team fell short again in international play, losing last Friday to Greece in the FIBA World Baketball Championship semifinals.

Following the loss, the United States team seemed stunned in disbelief, having just been systematically dismantled (primarily by the simple pick and roll) by a Greek team that was as obscure as it was unpronounceable .

LeBron James, team USA co-captain, refused to believe that his team had just gotten beaten at "real basketball”. "Man, this is a bunch of bullshit”, said an infuriated James. “They don’t play REAL basketball. They actually used all five of their players on offense, instead of just having one player drive into the lane while everyone else stands around. Now THAT’S real basketball."

Panagiotis Yiannakis, coach for the Greek team, admitted to being a little stunned at the victory. "We shot, like what, 66% from the floor? That's what happens when no one plays defense on you.” When asked how his Greek team was able to find so many open shots against the more athletic US side, Yiannakis seemed befuddled at his team'’s success. "I told my guys to keep moving the ball around until someone had an open shot. After about two or three passes, the US defenders seemed confused and frozen at our ball movement. I think they'’re more used to one guy hogging the ball in the NBA.”

Yiannakis also credited a simple gameplan for his team’s effective defense against the NBA superstars. “We knew that they like to drive into the lane 1 on 5, so we just packed the paint with defenders. It didn’t matter that we left players open on the perimeter, they just didn't know how to pass the ball. Even my 5 year old grandson's youth team plays smarter basketball than those ballhogging idiots."

James, meanwhile, didn’t seem too bothered at the US loss. "We were beat by a team with superior shooting, passing, defense, and team play. I don’t know what game they were playing, but it sure as hell wasn't NBA basketball."


Proud to be an American

Will the US win the World Basketball Championship?

US will NOT win

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

The US is a heavy favorite in the ongoing World Basketball Championship (WBC). Talent-wise, no one comes close. Still, trouble lies ahead. Why? Three main reasons:


1. Lack of quality, dependable outside shooting
With the three point line a couple feet closer in the international game, dependable outside scoring is essential for tournament success. Given this, where is the outside specialist on this team? The US has too many streaky shooters from the outside... you're rolling the dice with these guys.


2. Past history
With third and sixth place finishes in the last two international tournaments, the US has been less than impressive in international play. Will this time be different? Maybe, but I need to see proof on the court again before I jump back on the US bandwagon.


3. Team Chemistry
This is an area where the US is at a hopeless disadvantage. The other teams feature players who have grown up playing together, from their youth days on up. There is no way that a couple weeks of training camp in the summer can recreate the same kind of team chemistry the other teams feature.


Will the US team's overwhelming talent make up for these shortcomings? Perhaps, but I'm inclined to believe no for now. I have the US losing... either to Spain or Argentina in the finals.


What do you think?? Feel free to post below!



Coach K? Just calling to let you know that the US won't win this time around. And, oh yeah. DUKE SUCKS

Do you believe Floyd Landis?

Editor's note: SportParody will post a "question of the week" every Sunday night along with a position (and perhaps a counter-argument) from a staff writer. Feel free to respond in the comments section below.


Floyd Landis is Full of Shit

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

From Landis' website:

"I was the strongest man in the Tour de France, and that is why I am the champion."

Who is this guy kidding?? To recap, Landis was found to have a testosterone-epitestosterone ratio of 4:1 (four times the normal ratio) following his miracle ride in Stage 17 of this year's Tour. At the time, Landis was being called a hero. Now, he's being called a sham.

I will admit I feel somewhat bad for the guy. Landis was certainly not the only cheater in this year's tour, and I have a sneaking suspicion that Lance Armstrong cheated as well during his years of dominance. You see, the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) has placed such high levels of "permitted" doping that cyclists are almost compelled to cheat... up to a point. Any cyclist who can dope yet keep their T-E ratios under the 4:1 marker will have a decisive advantage in competition. Given the stakes involved, one can see the irresistible temptation.

Landis during the tour was humble, genial, and easy to root for. But the this built-up goodwill built up has eroded steadily as he continues to steadfastly deny cheating in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. His excuses - ranging from drinking the night before to a French conspiracy against him - smack of desperation. Floyd, the game is over. Salvage your remaining pride, and admit the truth.

What do you think?? Feel free to post below.


Landis in happier days

Mamma Mia! Italy wins the World Cup!!

The soccer was boring as expected, but there were still some highlights from this year's World Cup. Enjoy!

SportParody Exclusive: Interview With Keith Hernandez

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

On Sunday, Mets broadcaster and former first baseman Keith Hernandez drew fire for his comments suggesting women don’t belong in a baseball dugout. Facing mounting criticism, Hernandez sat down with SportParody to set the record straight.

SP: Keith, can you clarify your comments on why women don’t belong in the dugout?

KH: You have to understand I’m looking at this purely from a baseball point of view. One time, Mookie (Wilson) brought a couple strippers into the dugout that he had been partying with the night before. They were a lot of fun, but very distracting. I had a hard time focusing at the plate, with my mind on those hot-ass strippers. Needless to say, we lost the game.

SP: Interesting... I’m sure no one thought about that...

KH: Yeah, that’s what ticks me off so much. People assume I’m some kind of male chauvinist, when really I’m just thinking in terms of baseball. Let’s see how well the Padres do this year with all that Estrogen walking around in their dugout.

SP: Do you regret any other comments you made?

KH: Yeah, I regret when I said “I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout”. That was a mistake... my bad. What I meant to say is that women DO belong in the kitchen, at least when they’re not doing laundry or popping out babies.

SP: I see... what lesson has this whole experience taught you?

KH: I have learned to be a lot more careful about what I do or say around women. Call me old-fashioned, but I still don’t understand why you can’t just slap a woman in the ass and tell her to make some food. Or do the laundry. Or pop out babies. Maybe it’s just me, but this feminazi movement has really gone too far.

SP: Thank you Keith, for clarifying your comments. I’m sure it is now crystal clear what you meant to say.






















Keith Hernandez won’t be on the cover of NOW Monthly anytime soon

SportParody Analysis: Why Adam Morrison will be the first overall pick in the NBA draft

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Yesterday, Gonzaga All-American Adam Morrison declared for the NBA draft, foregoing his final year of college eligibility. The leading scorer in the nation this past season, the 6-foot-8 forward has drawn comparisons to Larry Bird for his high-release, high-accuracy jump shot. Although virtually all draft pundits agree that Morrison will be a lottery pick, SportParody will go out on the limb and say Morrison will be THE top pick in the draft this year. Here’s why:

1) He can flat-out shoot. Morrison, who averaged 28.1 points per game last season, was virtually unguardable at times, making shots with defenders draped all over him. A scorer will always find a home in the NBA.

2) He doesn’t really play defense. Morrison’s defense is kinda like his moustache- weak, flimsy and ugly. But can you blame him? He does have diabetes after all, and were he to play hard and both ends of the court he could very well just collapse from exhaustion. Besides, as a scorer, he doesn’t have to worry about playing defense.

3) He doesn’t really pass the ball. This is again not really that much a problem. Why should he pass the ball? He’s the best shooter out there! His shoot-first, pass-second mentality will fit in well with many NBA teams.

4) He’s white. Let’s be honest, Adam Morrison is the Great White Hope. Yeah, yeah, Steve Nash won the MVP last year, but he doesn’t count because he’s Canadian and has a haircut that is just a bit too feminine. Adam Morrison is a blue-blooded American who is being groomed as the next big superstar. Whatever team drafts him will see ticket sales soar.

For all the reasons listed above, this is a no-brainer: Adam Morrison will be the number one pick in this year’s draft.


Stop crying... you're about to become filthy rich.

Autistic Player Sets Gym on Fire

SportParody usually doesn't report on serious matters, but this real-life story was too good to pass up:

Jason McElwain, a senior at Greece Athena High School in Greece, NY, had the game of a lifetime last week.

Jason, or "J-Mac", as he is called, is the varsity basketball student assistant, and is beloved by his teammates and peers for his easy-going attitude. And, oh yeah, he's autistic.

As a senior present in his last home game, coach Jim Johnson allowed McElwain to play the last few minutes. Check out what happened next here:

Updated Link: Special Coverage on ESPN!!



You will NOT believe this!!

"Knight School" to Premier This Sunday

Coach Bobby Knight's long-awaited reality show premiers this Sunday on ESPN at 10:00/9:00 central. SportParody was lucky enough to nab an exclusive interview with the legendary coach last year as filming began. Check it out here.


Bobby Knight is pumped about his new show

98% of NFL Players Confused by the XL in Super Bowl XL

A recent survey conducted by the NFL players union has confirmed what most football fans have known for decades: NFL players just aren’t very smart.

The recent survey asked players to name what the “XL” in “Super Bowl XL” stood for. The results are as follows:
45% “Extra Large”
35% Could not read the survey
10% “Excellent”
8% “XL”
2% “Forty”

While a breakdown of these results was not made public, NFL spokesman Damian Delporte admitted that most of the 2% who responded correctly were special teams players such as kickers and punters. Or, in other words, according to Delporte, “the pansy-ass guys on every team who don’t really play football.”


At least Mike Vanderjagt answered this survey right

Seattle Yawns at Upcoming Super Bowl; Frasier Reruns expected to draw higher ratings

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

In the days leading up to Super Bowl XL, it truly has been a tale of two cities. While Pittsburgh has been wrapped up in Steelers hysteria, Seattle “fans” have barely acknowledged that their team is about to play for the championship. While a sendoff pep rally in Pittsburgh drew 30,000, for example, a similar rally in Seattle drew less than 1,000. Reportedly, this crowd would’ve been even smaller if organizers hadn’t enticed people to come with offers of free Starbucks coffee.

The general manager for Seattle ABC affiliate KING admitted to being concerned about ratings next Sunday. “We are going against Frasier reruns on other stations. Let’s just say it’s going to be a tough night for us.”

In football mad Pittsburgh, meanwhile, local newscasts were currently reporting stories on rabid fans offering up vital organs in exchange for Super Bowl tickets. Said one such fan, Matthew Robbins, “I’m going to die if I can’t go to the Super Bowl anyway, so giving up my kidney or lung for these tickets is no big deal.”



These two things will be more important than the Super Bowl in Seattle this week

Tigers Purchase Ancient Artifacts From Museum

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

In a stunning effort to turn around two decades of misfortune on the ball field, the Detroit Tigers have looked to the past to help their future. "We have tried to bring young guys up from our farm system and develop them into major league talent, but it hasn't worked," said Tigers G.M. Dave Dombrowski. "We also tried bringing in veteran free agents like Pudge Rodriguez and Rondell White, but again, that didn't work either," added Dombrowski.

With prior efforts having failed, Dombrowski and the rest of the Tigers' front office have approached this offseason with a radical new approach. Dombrowki explains, "They had a traveling exhibit at the Detroit Museum of Natural History of baseball players from the past." Dombrowski explained further, "Two of the ancient exhibits we decided to purchase were pitchers Kenny Rogers and Todd Jones. We would have liked to purchase Babe Ruth, but his family seemed a little pissed when we asked about digging him up, so we didnt."

With their offseason transactions complete, the Tigers are optimistic at what the future may bring. Said Dombrowski cheerfully, "Yeah, we feel like we have everything we need to win for years to come! Or as long as we can keep our new players out of the nursing home."


Kenny Rogers has not aged well

Epstein to Come out of Retirement, Return to Red Sox

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

In a surprising development today, the New York Times reported that “Boy Wonder” Theo Epstein was close to returning to his beloved hometown team. Following a three-month retirement from baseball, the move surprised many observers who predicted that Epstein had walked away from the Red Sox for good.

Epstein, however, admitted to making a huge mistake in opting for early retirement at the age of 32. “With all my friends working, I would just sit at home and watch shitty daytime TV,” recalled Epstein. “There’s only so much ‘General Hospital’ that one guy can take.”

Epstein also admitted to not realizing how much he’d miss the perks of being the Red Sox GM. “Every guy in New England wanted to be me, and every woman wanted to be with me. Giving all that up was a pretty dumbass thing to do.”

Fans all over Red Sox nation were thrilled at the news that their “Boy Wonder” GM would be back in charge. Carl Dohrman, one such fan, expressed high hopes for the upcoming season. “Theo is truly the right man for the job. I can’t wait to pay $100 for a ticket next year to support another underachieving team that will collapse spectacularly down the stretch.”


Even Kelly Monaco couldn't keep Theo from watching any more General Hospital

Citing Dress Code, Iverson Joins Globetrotters

By: Mo Spankles
SportParody Contributing Writer

NBA superstar Allen Iverson stunned the basketball world today by quitting the Philadelphia 76’ers and joining the legendary Harlem Globetrotters. In a statement issued by Iverson’s agent, the former Georgetown star, known to fans and teammates as “The Answer”, voiced his displeasure with the new dress code, citing it as “wack, racist and basically a pain in the ass.”

“My client, citing the tyrannical and arcane policies of Mr. Stern and his band of corporate cronies, has decided to change directions and join the world’s most famous basketball team,” his agent said via conference call. “Allen says he can’t wait to throw confetti on the crowd and shoot the ball from half court.”

The news came as a shock to NBA commissioner David Stern and league officials who implemented at the start of the season a controversial league-wide dress code, mandating NBA players and coaches wear “business casual” attire when conducting team business. The move is the league’s latest measure in an effort to clean up the controversial hip-hop image NBA players have embraced in recent years.

“Yes, I’m very surprised by the news, certainly,” said Stern from NBA headquarters in New York City. “But as long as I’m wearing the ten gallon hat, I’m going to manage the cattle the way I see best. And for now, the bling ain’t the thing.”

An elated Iverson, leaving the parking lot at Sixers’ headquarters earlier today for perhaps the last time, effused relief and joy at his latest career decision. “I’m fulfilling a dream right here, man,” Iverson proclaimed emphatically from the driver’s seat of his Cadillac Escalade. “It’s the ‘trotters, man! I don’t have to dress like some front office cat, I don’t have to practice. I’m talkin’ no practice, man. This may be the best day in the history of myself.”

Iverson, long known for his flamboyant persona and dynamic play on the court, will join the Globetrotters in Grand Rapids this weekend for two games at the Kragen Auto Parts War Memorial Coliseum against longtime whipping boys, the Washington Generals.

“We’re very excited to have A.I. here,” said legendary Globetrotter and team spokesman Meadowlark Lemon via telephone from the Days Inn downtown. “First off, I’ve got to teach this brother my patented hook. If he can get that down, the bucket of confetti isn’t far behind.”


AI will have to step up his game against the intimidating Washington Generals

A-Rod Loses MVP Trophy in Underground Poker Game

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

NEW YORK – Hours after winning the American League Most Valuable Player award, New York Yankees’ third baseman Alex Rodriguez reportedly lost the award at a high-stakes game in one of New York’s underground poker clubs.

Rodriguez, who won his second MVP award in three seasons, got in trouble earlier this month when the New York Daily News reported that the Yankees' third baseman had been visiting underground poker clubs with professional card player Phil Hellmuth.

While warned to stop visiting these clubs, Rodriguez could not help but go one last time to celebrate his MVP victory. The visit turned out very badly, however, with Rodriguez losing the Trophy going “all-in” on a 2-7 off-suit, considered the worst hand possible in poker. When questioned about his play, Rodriguez maintained that he was trying to “bluff” the other players. “I just wanted to be like those guys on ESPN”, said Rodriguez. “The only problem is, they keep winning while I keep losing.”

Poker regulars hoped that Rodriguez would continue to visit the clubs. “A-Rod is always welcome here”, said a grizzled regular while chomping on his cigar. “The other guys love to play with him, since he keeps throwin’ money away. A-Rod may be the AL MVP, but he’s our most valuable player also. I’m putting my kids through college thanks to him.”

Rodriguez, meanwhile, was not overly concerned about losing the MVP trophy. Said Rodriguez, “I plan on getting three or four more MVP trophies anyway. I’d like to thank the writers who keep voting for my overrated, non-clutch play on the field. This just shows you that baseball is more about hitting home runs in meaningless situations than it is about making clutch plays that actually help your team win.”


Even these monkeys could beat A-Rod in poker

NFL Fans Outraged at Hot Lesbian Cheerleaders’ Sexual Escapades

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

NFL fans responded with shock and outrage after it was reported yesterday that two hot Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, Renee Thomas and Kristen Owen, were arrested for having sex with each other at a Tampa-area nightclub (article here).

The Panthers have moved quickly to kick the cheerleaders off the team, a move which was approved by rabid NFL fan Damian Delporte. Said Delporte, “It is a disgrace that those hot, blonde, big-breasted cheerleaders were having lesbian sex with each other. I mean, who could be interested in that???”

NFL fan and right-wing commentator Sean Hannity was quick to denounce the lesbian sex. “This just shows you the decline in moral values we’re having in our country”, said an upset Hannity. “When I watch football with my son, I want it to be a good, clean game for the family where we can watch 250-pound guys beat each other to a bloody pulp. There’s no place for hot lesbian cheerleaders in football.” Hannity, however, admitted that he would approve of the cheerleaders under special circumstances. “If I found out my son was turning gay”, said Hannity, “I would have him watch hot lesbian cheerleader sex ‘till it turned him straight.”

Hannity also said that he would obtain a copy of the surveillance video of the incident, so that he could “better understand the situation and protect (his) children”.




We will be seeing these cheerleaders next time in Playboy

One Word for Cub Fans: 1908

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

What an unbelievable ride the White Sox have given their fans this season. It is virtually impossible to put into words how remarkable this team’s performance has been in both the regular and postseason. A lot of things are going through my mind as the Sox clinch their first World Series since 1917. But one thought that stands out most is the fact that Sox fans will never take shit from Cub fans any more as long as one word is uttered from the Sox fan’s mouth: 1908.

Allow me to illustrate with a few examples.

1. Time frame: This year.
Scenario: White Sox win the World Series.
Annoying Cub fan says: “You guys were so lucky it’s not even funny. In 1919 your team threw the World Series. Now you guys are doing the opposite, bribing the umpires. Your team isn’t good, it’s just really really lucky.”
Sox fan’s retort: “Wait who won the World Series this year? Now, when was the last time the Cubs won the World Series? Oh yeah, that’s right. 1908.”

2. Time frame: Next year.
Scenario: Wrigley Field outdraws The Cell despite the Sox being in 1st place all year and the Cubs being in last.
Annoying Cub fan says: “You guys might be good, but no one cares.”
Sox fan’s retort: “Yeah, but I bet you care your team hasn’t won a World Series since 1908.”

3. Time frame: Ten years from now.
Scenario: The White Sox are 0-81 at the All Star Break and the Cubs are 81-0.
Annoying Cub fan says: “The Cubs are the greatest team of all time and your team will be known as the worst ever.”
Sox fan retorts with: “Wait, what’s that stupid shit you guys say every year? Oh yeah, Wait till next year. What’s our famous line been? 1908. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah, biiiiiiiiiiittttttttttchhhhhhhh!!!!”

4. Time frame: This year.
Scenario: Craig Biggio’s wife gets slapped in the face at The Cell and other family members of players on the Houston Astros get harassed.
Annoying Cub fan says: “You guys don’t deserve to win the World Series with your white trash fans.”
Sox fan retorts with: “I don’t care. 1908.”

Do you see how easy this is? Before the sweet taste of victory, White Sox World Series style, I would have to waste my time explaining why we had such a good team (see article titled: Delirious Cub Fans Unable to Understand Makeup of Championship Team). Now that the Sox have captured the most important trophy in the greatest sport in the world, we can let the Cub fan do all the work. Whenever that annoying relative, or friend of yours, utters anything remotely close to insulting the Sox, all us fans have to do is sit back, relax, and strap it down with a chant of 1908.


The White Sox moments after the World Series Sweep

Delirious Cub Fans Unable to Understand Makeup of Championship Team

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

"Tomachu, you kidding me?? How can you support the White Sox as a Cubs fan?? For me this postseason has been pure torture. I can't believe all the flukish luck the White Sox are getting. Ozzie Guillen must have made a deal with the devil or something."


Seeing this previous comment (comment #1 on TWIC- White Sox edition) just lets you the reader know how ignorant certain Cub fans can be. I break Cub fans up in to 2 categories: A. Delusional and B. Unlucky.

Tomachu is unlucky to be raised a Cub fan. He doesn't get to experience the full joy ride that the White Sox have given their fans even though he may be rooting for the White Sox. I feel bad that Cub fans like him don't get to and never will taste the success of a World Series victory.

REALSPORTS, on the other hand, is just flat out crazy, as many Cub fans are. If you understand the game of baseball, you know why the White Sox, while lucky, have also been incredibly good this season. I don’t expect REALSPORTS to like the Sox, but I would at least hope he could learn to respect them.

Any knowledgeable fan will agree that the White Sox have the best starting pitching in all of baseball. While Houston’s is close, Clemens was too old this year and thus prone to the injuries that plagued him in the playoffs. Even with a healthy Clemens, the White Sox have the clear edge with their 4th starter being Freddy Garcia as opposed to Brandon Backe. (Next year it won’t even be debatable when you throw in 22 year old Brendan McCarthy, whom you will get to know next year if you haven’t already. For some reason, Ozzie decided to leave him off the playoff roster for Marte. But considering Marte pitched 1.2 scoreless innings in relief in game 3 of the World Series, Ozzie once again proves his baseball IQ is ridiculously high). The White Sox also have one of the best bullpens in baseball, with Bobby Jenks emerging as a dominant closer.

What often gets overlooked is defense. While Podsednik has a pussy arm in left field, he is extremely fast and makes many catches on balls that other outfielders would not even be close to. Aaron Rowand is a gold glove caliber center fielder. Jermaine Dye has a gun in right field. Joe Crede is showing the east coast what he can do at 3rd just based on his performance in the World Series. Juan Uribe has as good of an arm as anybody at SS. Iguchi is solid at 2nd. Konerko is underrated at 1st, with soft hands, picking up balls in the dirt and saving a lot of errors from the other infielders.

Now here is what the delusional breed of Cub fans have a hard time understanding: Defense goes hand-in-hand with the mental toughness the White Sox have. Take the Bartman game for instance. You could say the Cubs were cursed because of the idiotic fan costing the Cubs an out. That would be one way to put it. Another, would be to say that the Cubs were not mentally tough and were bad defensively, which cost them the game. Moises Alou admitted that when he did not catch that ball in left field, he felt a sense of urgency and said to himself, “What next?” What happened next was shortstop Alex Gonzalez bobbling a sure double-play ball that would have ended the nightmare 8th inning for Cub fans. Juan Uribe makes that play in his sleep.

Nothing fazes the White Sox. When Cleveland was the hottest team in baseball and the Sox were having their toughest stretch of the year, no one on the team said “What’s next?” after their 15 game lead had shrunk to 1.5. This remarkable team, lead by Ozzie Guillen (who is becoming one of baseball's best managers), refused to feel sorry for themselves. They also refused to come in 2nd in the division, ALDS, ALCS, and now the World Series. The White Sox are a great team because they refuse to lose.

When the Sox get breaks (some may call it luck), they take advantage of them. This happened in game 2 of the ALDS (Graffinino's bobble), the ALCS (AJ’s bluff) and World Series (Jermaine’s hit by bat). The Sox also keep fighting when the other team gets breaks. In game 3 of the World Series, Jason Lane hit a ball to the left of the home run line in Houston. The ball was called a home run even though it wasn't. In the 5th inning, Jermaine Dye (yes that same Jermaine Dye who got “lucky” in game 2) got clipped by a pitch, but was not rewarded 1st base. Did you hear Sox fans bitching afterwards? No, because their team was good enough to overcome what did not go their way. Something the Red Sox, Angels, and Astros (all inferior teams to the Sox) could not do. Lucky or not, that's the sign of a championship team.

Jerry Reinsdorf Wobbles Away With World Series Trophy

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Following the once-in-88-years World Series victory for the Chicago White Sox, Team Owner and Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf stood in his penthouse suite grinning like a fat kid in a candy store. As he lumbered on down to the White Sox locker room to accept the World Series victory, he felt a satisfaction deep down he had only felt once before, when he polished off 10 chocolate bars in one sitting.

Reinsdorf had been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. During the Bulls dynasty, he always had to share the glory with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and all the celebrities on the team. With the White Sox, on the other hand, there were no annoying superstar players to hog the attention; the spotlight was finally on him.

As Commissioner Bud Selig presented Reinsdorf the trophy, the portulant owner stood there hugging it tightly against his extended belly. Following a brief interview, Jeannie Zelasko of Fox Sports then suggested that Reinsdorf pass the trophy to Manager Ozzie Guillen and GM Kenny Williams, a suggestion he didn’t take too well.

“No!” Screamed Reinsdorf. “This trophy is MINE MINE MINE!!! I won this trophy! I deserve this trophy! The rest of you go to hell!!!”

As a stunned locker room watched, Reinsdorf proceeded to wobble away with the trophy, refusing to let anyone touch it. As the surprised security personnel came to their senses, they quickly apprehended the portly Reinsdorf, and rescued the trophy from the selfish owner for all to share.

Paul Konerko, who stopped spraying champagne on his teammates to watch the incident, was glad that his tenure with the Sox was coming to a close. “I can’t wait to get away from that selfish, self-serving fat-ass and make big bucks on the open market. Cha-Ching!! Cha-Ching!!! Fifty million dollar contract here I come!!!”

Telander Predicts All-Out War Between Sox and Cubs Fans

Editor's Note: SportParody will have in-depth coverage the next few days of the imminent White Sox World Series victory. After all, this only happens once every 88 years.

Following last night's 7-5 14 inning game 3 triumph, the White Sox are virtually assured of a World Series title. With this in mind, respected Chicago Sun-Times columnist Rick Telander has drawn a battle map for the coming battle between Cubs and Sox fans. Read more about it here.


This is how Chicagoans view the rest of the country.

David Stern Warns Players, "Don't mess with the commish bitches!"

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

NBA commisioner David Stern said at a press conference Monday that he wanted a more strict dress code to boost his league's image to the world. "I want shirts tucked in and no hats - let's try to look as professional as possible here", said Stern. This caused outrage among many players in the NBA, including the Pacers' Stephen Jackson and the Spurs' Tim Duncan. "I find the dress code racist personally", admitted Jackson. Added Duncan, "I think a dress code to these extremes is basically retarded".

When told by the media of players' reactions, Stern just kind of got a smirk on his face and walked back into his office. A few hours later, he called for an immediate press conference. "I, David Stern, Commisioner of the NBA, has decided to change the dress code policy I just put into effect." A reporter then asked him, "So, are you saying that players no longer have to abide by a dress code?" Stern explained further. "Not exactly... I spoke with my good friend Dennis Rodman, and he gave me some advice on an even better dress code since players don't seem to like this one."

"I have decided to change the dresscode so that all players in the league must now dress in drag", laughed Stern. "Lets see how Mr. Duncan, or should I say, Mrs. Duncan feels about this dress code now!" Stern continued to rant, "Don't mess with the commish bitches!"

The L.A. Clippers were asked to comment on the newest version of the dress code. Said head coach Mike Dunleavy, "I dont know how other teams feel about it, but it's fitting for us since we play like a bunch of girls anyways."


At least the new dress code is more comfortable

Cubs to Host First Ever Simulated World Series

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

After the 2005 White Sox monumental achievement of becoming the first Chicago team to reach a World Series since the 1959 season, the Tribune Company is striking back with its local competition. In fear of losing bandwagon fans that no nothing about baseball to the White Sox, the corporation that owns the Cubs has devised a plan to keep Chicago’s beer garden (otherwise known as Wrigley Field) flowing for years to come. Beginning Saturday night, the Cubs plan to host game 1 of the first ever pretend Word Series.

The main participants in the series will be Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. They will reportedly be competing against the speed gun, trying to top 90 mph for 100 consecutive pitches. If both pitchers do so, baseball commissioner Bud Selig has agreed to deliver cubic zirconium rings, which will be handed out to each Cub player during the 2006 home opener.

Cubs manager Dusty Baker thinks his team has a great chance to win. “I think my team has all the talent, heart, and experience to win it all. Both pitchers have gimpy arms, are pussy enough to take themselves out of games in which others would have played through the pain, and have pitched in more simulated games than any pitcher in baseball.”

Cubs GM Jim Hendry thinks that the move by the Tribune Company is a brilliant idea. “The White Sox are getting way too much attention right now. Since there is no way we will ever make the World Series, we might as well pretend we are in one. Besides, our fans generally don’t pay much attention to the game on the field, so to them it will be like we are really participating in the Fall Classic.”

While it may seem strange that fans would actually attend such an odd event, SportParody staff writer Eric T, who has a ticket to game 1 of the simulated World Series, explains that this is actually better than going to a real baseball game. “The thing about going to a real game, is that the game on the field can be a distraction to what we are really there to do: look at the ivy, drink, look at hot chicks, drink, look at hot chicks, drink... Did I mention that there are a ton of hot chicks that go to Wrigley Field?"

When asked to be more specific, Eric T gave a personal example. "One time when I was sitting in the bleachers, I was busy hitting on this one girl. All of a sudden I heard a loud noise, which sounded like a crack of the bat. Just as I turned to look at the field, I felt a sharp pain... of the baseball nailing me on top of my head. There were a couple of fans telling me to throw the baseball back on to the field. But I was in no mood. After the ball bounced off my head, which was bad enough, it knocked over my beer. I had never been so pissed off in my life. Since there will be no hitters at this upcoming game, I won’t have to worry about that ever happening again.”

After the announcement was made, Cub fans around Wrigleyville were partying harder than their South Side counterparts had after game 5 of the ALCS. While he admits that it was just another excuse to get wasted, SportParody editor and Cub fan, REALSPORTS, said that he had the best night of his life. “Any true Cub fan doesn’t give a shit whether we win or lose. That is why it doesn’t matter that this World Series is going to be fake. If it were real, it would just be an excuse to party. How is that different from what we are doing now? That is what is great about being a fan of the loveable losers. When you lose, you really win.”


Wrigley Field: Home to hot women and a bad baseball team

White Sox Fan Loses $1 Billion Dollars in Parlor Bet Gone Wrong

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

CHICAGO, IL-– Ron Toam and Andrew Miller are two high-powered Corporate attorneys working in the Chicago loop. As White Sox season-ticket holders, they have enjoyed an amazing run this year, watching the Southsiders surprise all of baseball with their playoff run.

Throughout the season, Toam and Miller frequently made side bets on the games, on everything from the final score to the results of each pitch. As chronic gamblers, Toam and Miller would often exchange hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars through the course of a game.

During Wednesday’s ALCS game 2 Sox victory, Toam was having an awful night as a bettor, losing thousands of dollars on wrong calls on balls and strikes, hits and outs. During the 5th inning, Toam lost $2000 alone by giving Miller 100-1 odds on a $20 bet on Robb Quinlan hitting a homerun in his at bat. Explains Toam, “Quinlan was a light-hitting bench player who only had 5 home runs all year. The way Buerhle was pitching, I said no way in hell is that busher hitting a homerun.” Much to Toam’s chagrin, Quinlan turned on a Buerhle fastball for his first career postseason home run. Said Toam, “I wanted to cry.”

With two outs in the bottom of the ninth, as Miller was counting the winnings he planned to blow later that night at the strip club, Toam half-jokingly offered a last-ditch long shot bet. “What kind of odds will you give me on A.J. Pierzynski striking out and running to first after the game is over and still being called safe after a lengthy conference by the umpires??” Miller was laughing as he said, “OK, a billion to one.” Unbelievably, Pierzynski proceeded to strike out, have the umpire call him out, yet still end up safe at first. As Miller watched incredulously, Toam saw his 1 dollar bet turn into $1 billion dollars. Said Toam, “Yes!! I knew my chronic gambling problems would pay off one day. This is a good lesson for all the chronic gamblers out there who keep losing and losing. Just keep at it, and you’re bound to hit it big one day.”

Miller, meanwhile, remained in a state of shock well after the game had ended. “I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to my wife, assuming I still have a wife when I get home,” explained Miller. “I just put my kids, my kids’ kids, and their kids all into bankruptcy. It will be a few millennia before my descendants finally pay off this debt.”

Toam, meanwhile, promised to not be heartless toward his old lawyer buddy. “I told him he didn’t have to pay the $1 billion up front…he just has to pay me $1 million dollars over the next 1000 years.”

White Sox Win Opener of ALDS; Sell Out Stadium

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Tuesday was a great day for the White Sox. Not only did they pound the defending champion Red Sox 14 to 2, they actually sold out their stadium (article here).

With a good number of White Sox nation behind bars, reaching sellout capacity this year has been tough for the White Sox, despite the team’s amazing run. During the playoff series, White Sox officials had their fingers crossed for a sell-out, and were glad that the handful of White Sox fans that actually exist really came through.

One such fan, Jamie Barber, who watched the game from the Cell’s famed upper deck, was glad she came. “I couldn’t really see the game from up here”, said Barber, while being interviewed 2000 feet above the field. “But that’s ok. I come to games more to see White Sox fans brawl and beat each other to a bloody pulp.”

The players, meanwhile, appreciated the extra support from their fans. Said White Sox speedster Scott Podsednik, “When I looked up and saw all those fans, I couldn’t believe it. You can usually count the number of fans at our games on one hand.” Podsednik made it clear that he truly appreciated all of the support. “When I saw all those wife-beaters and mullets in the stands, it really brought a tear to my eye. That’s special, man.”

Following the White Sox victory, the raucous crowd continued to celebrate by heading to the only bar within five miles of the stadium, Joe’s Mullet Shack. Reports said a good number were mugged on the way out, including diehard White Sox fan Brian Johnson. Johnson was simply too happy to care, however. “Yeah, I got mugged, but you sorta expect that when you visit the Cell. It’s cool, though… I don’t have a job so the robber couldn’t take any money from me anyway.”


This Tire Fire is burning bright tonight after the White Sox victory

The Hawk has Heart Attack Due to Recent Sox Slide

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

KANSAS CITY — Chicago White Sox Broadcaster, Ken “The Hawk” Harrelson, gave White Sox fans a scare on Thursday almost as fearful as the team's recent chances of making the playoffs. With the lead dwindling down to 4.5 games and after having dropped 5 of their last 6 overall and 2 out of 3 to the Royals (arguably the worst team in baseball), the Hawk’s heart could not take it anymore, according to doctors at a local Kansas City Hospital.

After being rushed to the hospital, doctors had a hard time operating on Harrelson, according to Chief Surgeon Richard Harrington. “Before we started operating on his heart, we were spending hours looking for the damn thing. We stumbled upon something that looked like another intestine, and we figured that this is normally where someone’s heart would be.”

The doctors spent another hour debating what this was until they came to the conclusion that it was The Hawk’s heart, which had a sock-like shape. “In extremely rare cases", said Harrington, "when somebody becomes overly obsessive over something their heart tends to turn into whatever they are emotionally over-attached to. In this case, it happened to be the White Sox.”

Harrington noted that while Hawk’s strangely shaped heart was abnormal, it was not the reason for his heart attack. In fact, it had more to do with the fact that his heart was falling apart in similar fashion to the team he has grown to fall in love with. Said Harrington, “His heart is in terrible shape. We really hope his team can put it together, so his heart will turn from what resembles a decaying, moldy sock, into one that has not even been worn yet.”

The only witness to the heart attack was the Hawk’s broadcast partner, Darrin “DJ” Jackson, who claims that he sadly saw it coming. “It all started with the 7 game losing streak in August. He kept saying on the air that every team is entitled to a slump and that there was no need to go out and get a guy like Ken Griffey Jr. and all that bull shit. But you could see right through it. He was just trying to hang in there and buy himself some time. After that, it was all downhill from there. The ‘He Gones’ and ‘You can Put in on the Boards’ were becoming less and less. Eventually, there were no more excuses he could come up with to cover the White Sox shitty play. Once you start losing to the Royals, there is nothing you can say.”

When asked how he felt about the Hawk’s condition, DJ didn’t show much hope. “After the doctors told me that the Hawk’s heart depends on how well the White Sox play over the last few weeks of the regular season, all I can say is, ‘He Gone!’”

Doctors agree, which is why they are trying to revert to other means of curing the Hawk’s heart. “Since there is little hope for the White Sox to turn it around, we are trying to get the Hawk to become less and less obsessed with this pathetic team. We are going to use techniques similar to those used to treat drug addicts. For next week's games, we will show him the first 8 innings, which will be enough to satisfy his cravings but not destroy his heart. We just have to make sure to turn off the game before they lose. Then, we will gradually reduce the amount of innings until he realizes there are more important things in life than White Sox baseball. We hope this will transform his heart from a sock to a normal heart shape.”

While Hawk has grudgingly allowed doctors to proceed, he realizes that this could be the end of his 16 year broadcasting career. Said Hawk, “This is terrible. No more ‘Can of Corn’, ‘Streeeeetch!’, ‘He Gone’, or ‘I love email.’ I can’t even go on and on about how bats break easily nowadays and were so much better back in the day. Worst of all, the only time I can say ‘You can put it on the Board’ is after I’m done banging my wife. You can Put it in the Boaaaaaaaard, Noooooo!”



DJ doesn't have much hope for his partner's future - “After the doctors told me that the Hawk’s heart depends on how well the White Sox play over the last few weeks of the regular season, all I can say is, ‘He Gone!’”

Limbaugh Revisited

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

Think last Monday's MNF football opener between two of the NFC’s elite teams was exciting? That was like watching paint dry compared to the visit I had with Rush Limbaugh. Two years after Rush Limbaugh’s controversial comments about Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, in which he insinuated that McNabb was overrated due to the media wanting a black quarterback to succeed, I sat down with Rush at his home in Palm Beach, Florida. Limbaugh provided me with comments so outrageous and psychotic they made Michael Jackon seem normal. He also introduced me to enough drugs to have a crack house seem like a children’s learning center compared to his powdery mansion.



Southside: What was your initial reaction when Donovan Mcnabb made the Superbowl last year?

Rush: Go Patriots!!!!!

Southside: Are you a Patriots fan?

Rush: I am a fan of any team that faces off against black quarterbacks.

Southside: What would you have done if the Eagles had won the Super Bowl?

Rush: I have a big mound of coke I attend to before watching a game. The more black people on the screen, the more coke I snort. Let’s just say that the mound would have disappeared had a black man led his team to a Super Bowl title.

Southside: I understand you are a big fan of Monday Night Football. Since both quarterbacks last game were black, who were you rooting for?

Rush: Well ideally I wanted both quarterback to get injured so they could bring in the intelligent, underrated white quarterbacks. But, since that was too good to be true, I just got as fucked up as possible.

Southside: What do you mean by that?

Rush: I have a pre-game ritual. I start it off with a box of pain killers, followed by a pound of cocaine. For dessert, I prefer some speedball soup, which is a tasty blend of speedballs and “Tuff Actin” Tinactin that I would like to thank John Madden for providing me with.


After talking with Rush, he was kind enough to show me around his house as well as his radio studio. Here is what he had to show me.




These are a few of the ingredients used for Rush’s pregame meal.


This is the amount of coke that Rush will snort once a black quarterback wins the superbowl.

New Guy Has Terrible Fantasy Football Draft

By: Mortimer
SportParody Contributing Writer

The return of the National Football League means the return of fantasy football, especially at Nisbett Publishing, where fantasy football has become a tradition. Every season since 1998 several of the employees at Nisbett has been in a Yahoo fantasy football league, and the league had especially high hopes for new-comer Larry Bailey from the mail room. Bailey, being a Canadian and new to U.S. fantasy sports, decided to play despite his lack of football knowledge.

Bailey admitted his ignorance to American football, even with his rudimentary knowledge of the CFL. “I don’t really watch the CFL. I’m more of a hockey man, myself,” said Bailey. “I figured I’d start with a kicker since they’re sure to get points in every game. So in the first round I selected [Adam] Vinatieri from your Super Cup Champions.”

Ken Spedowski from accounts receivable - last year’s fantasy winner - said he was frankly confused by Bailey’s drafting strategy: “He drafted [Gus] Frerotte and [Patrick] Ramsey as his quarterbacks, the Cleveland Brown’s defense, and he’s got three kickers. I was worried for a while that he might’ve known something that I don’t... then I realized his team just sucks.”

Bailey was especially proud of his drafting strategy in the later rounds. “I wanted my fantasy football team to be full of guys with interesting names,” Bailey said. “Vinatieri, Frerotte, Az-Hakim... T.J. Houshmandzadeh! It doesn’t get any better than that!”

The rest of the league agreed that Bailey’s best pick was Steelers wide-out Antwaan Randle El, but also agreed that his team sucks.

College Football Recap

Oklahoma Looks at Next Year after Rough Start

By Tomachu
SportParody Staff Writer

The Oklahoma Sooners have had a tough start this season. Following an upset by Texas Christian University (TCU) 17-10 on their home turf in the opener, the Sooners struggled to beat a Tulsa team which lost by 31 the previous week to Minnesota (article here). Because of their early-season struggles, the Sooners have decided to mail it in and try their luck again next year.

Last year, Oklahoma made it to the National Championship only to get embarrassed by a much more talented USC team. This year, realizing that USC still has quarterback Matt Leinart on their side, Oklahoma has decided to quit the season “Sooner” than later.

“What do you want me to say? We’re done,” said a very disappointed Sooners head coach Bob Stoops. “With the way this sport is, you almost have to be undefeated at the end of the year in order to have a chance for the national title. After that first loss, we can finally say we’re not good enough. At least now if we lose anymore games, we can say that we weren’t even trying.”

With games at UCLA and Texas on the horizon, the Sooners will have plenty of chances in the upcoming weeks to show that they're playing for next year.



San Jose State Head Coach’s Comments Cause Stir in Illinois Locker Room

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

After Illinois’ 40-19 victory over San Jose State on Saturday, Spartans’ head coach Dick Tomey stated that Ron Zook “has a chance to have himself a heck of a team.” (article here). This comment led to a brawl between Illinois head coach Ron Zook and quarterback Tom Brasic.

Apparently Ron Zook became enraged when he noticed that Brasic had taken Tomey’s comment to heart. “Last week we were down 27-7 to Rutgers. That’s the glass half-empty side of things, but we came back and won in overtime,” said Brasic. “That just shows the kind of heart we have. The heart of a champion, a Big Ten Champion. I mean, with Iowa, Ohio State, and Michigan going down today, we really have a chance.”

Before Brasic could finish, Zook pulled him aside and socked him in the face. He continued to beat his quarterback until other players separated the two. The Illini coach defended himself, claiming that he was trying to protect his player from optimistic insanity, something he admitted going through during his time at Florida. “When I took over a team located in the middle of nowhere that was going nowhere, I was OK with that,” said Zook. “I wanted to come to a team that was used to losing, because I know that is all I’m capable of. I don’t want my players to start going mental on me.”

While Zook believes he has the ability to rescue his players from insanity, he sees no future for San Jose State head coach, Dick Tomey. “Tomey has to be smoking something to say that we have anything resembling even a mediocre team,” said Zook. “Then again, it could be no coincidence he is the leader of a WAC team that went 2-9 last year.”

Orton, Ramsey Battle for Last NFL Groupie

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

Among the slate of NFL games tomorrow, the Bears/Redskins game features a personal duel between the starting QBs that will make or break their seasons.

With similar college football and professional numbers, Bears QB Kyle Orton and Redskins QB Patrick Ramsey are both out to prove they deserve the last NFL groupie. To gain a perspective on what tomorrow's game means to Orton and Ramsey, one must understand the “shagability” factor that both players are lacking.

The top quarterbacks in the league - Tom Brady, Donovan McNabb, and Peyton Manning - deservedly date the likes of Jessica Alba, Anna Kournikova, and Beyonce while other top position players such as Ray Lewis, Randy Moss, and Terrell Owens celebrate victories by drenching their Gatorade on hotties of similar caliber.

Unfortunately, Orton and Ramsey rank behind most offensive linemen in terms of desirability (determined 99% by athletic ability, .99% by looks, and .01% by personality), and as such, they are fighting over the last NFL groupies for a victory dance in bed. First in line is the always available Paris Hilton look-alike, who also happens to be a crack whore. After Hilton, there’s a large drop off in quality, with fellow crack whore Courtney Love, then Rosie O’Donnell, and finally Roseanne.

Even with most groupies off the table, Ramsey and Orton both admit there is still a lot at stake. Said Orton: “Even though I might break Paris in half on game night, it is better than getting broke in half by Roseanne. I take a big enough beating during the games.” Added Orton, “Hilton is no Lombardi trophy, but rumor has it that Courtney Love is more black and blue than the NFC north. If I lose this game, I may opt for early retirement and look to the bars in West Lafayette for my groupie love.”


Ramsey and Orton are battling for one night in Paris.

Owens to Meet with McNabb over a Nice, Hot, Steaming Bowl of Campbell’s Chunky Soup

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Terrell Owens is ready to bury the hatchet with Donovan McNabb.

Following a preseason where the Eagles quarterback and his leading wide receiver haven’t been on speaking terms, Owens said yesterday that he would end the silent treatment before their first game against Atlanta Monday night (article here).

To show his sincerity, Owens planned to meet with McNabb over a nice, hot, steaming bowl of Campbell’s Chunky Soup. Said Owens, “Donovan’s mom always tells him ‘he better eat his Chunky Soup’, so I thought meeting over some of that delicious soup would be the right thing to do.” Owens continued, “I know there’s been a lot of bad blood built up between us the last few weeks, but a nice, hot, steaming bowl of Campbell’s Chunky Soup will make everything all right again. At least that’s what his mom tells me.”

Owens did not reveal what kind of soup he’d bring to the meeting, but speculation has centered on Campbell’s Chunky Hearty Beef Barley and Campbell’s Chunky Fajita Steak with Rice & Beans as the prime candidates.




Donovan Loves His Chunky Soup!!

Wannstedt Brings Football Magic to Panthers

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

Pittsburgh Panthers new head coach Dave Wannstedt made his coaching debut on Saturday against Notre Dame, and the results weren't pretty for the Panther faithful. After hanging tough for one quarter, the Panthers were blown out 42-21 by a Fighting Irish team which came into the game as 3-point underdogs (article here). Wannstedt, however, maintained a positive outlook on his team's opening performance. "I would say things are going pretty well," said Wannstedt. "We did score 21 points after all.” When asked about giving up 42 points to a team they were supposed to beat, Wannstedt replied: “I just try to look at the positives and forget the negatives ever happened. Like when I was head coach of the Chicago Bears, I just look at the 40 wins and forget about the 56 we lost.”

Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis was asked how he prepared his team for the game. “Oh, that was simple. Since Dave is their coach, I pretty much knew that as long as my team showed up, we were going to win easily.” Weis explained further. “But I can’t take full credit for our blowout victory. It would be like Michael Jordan taking credit for beating a blind guy one-on-one at basketball.”

With the first game now under his belt, Wannstedt commented on how his recruiting for the up and coming season was going. “It’s going really good. I only lost out on all 34 blue chippers in the state to other out of state schools, but I feel really good about the class I have coming in... Oh, who the hell am I kidding, my incoming class bites, who knew this coaching stuff would be so hard???”

Maria Sharapova to face Nadia Petrova in Hot Showdown

#1 seeded and WPT Women’s ranked tennis player Maria Sharapova faces #9 ranked Nadia Petrova tonight in what is sure to be a highly anticipated match. For better or worse, Sharapova has been attracting many spectators to the world of tennis. Said Sharapova fan Peter Brenner: “I catch all of Maria’s matches. Before tennis, I always thought a racket was the kind of noise people made. But watching Maria run around screaming and grunting has really opened my eyes to what tennis means. And tennis REALLY means a lot to me now.”

Catch it tonight on USA at 7 PM Eastern, 6 PM Central.


Maria proves once again that tennis balls also make fine rugs.

Is this another excuse to show a picture of Maria Sharapova? You bet!

The Problem with Patterson

By: Eric T.
SportParody Staff Writer

Any Cubs fan could list Corey Patterson’s problems on the baseball field by heart. An aggressive batter with no plate discipline. Refuses to shorten his swing on two strike counts. A Sammy Sosa mindset in a Ricky Henderson body. Everyone seems to know Corey Patterson’s weaknesses, which makes his strengths all the more heartbreaking - an incredibly talented five tool player with all the agility, strength, and speed (oh, what wonderful speed) in the world.

Yet Patterson’s latest and most disappointing problem in his short career as a major leaguer was highlighted in last Saturday’s 4-2 loss against the Rockies. After grounding out with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth, Patterson was quoted as saying: “That’s just how it goes, and so be it. It’s just a game, you know?” Just a game. Not worth worrying about, not worth losing sleep over. It’s a pragmatic statement, to anyone who would live fairly in his shoes for a day - a struggling player, booed every time he swings at the ball, every time he doesn’t reach base (which is just about eight out of every ten at bats). It’s immense pressure built on ridiculous expectations. Truthfully, Patterson didn’t ask for it, and now, he clearly doesn’t want it. Told by his caved shoulders, disconnected eyes, seemingly innocent statement: “It’s just a game.”

But expectation isn’t the problem. It’s the statement, it’s the attitude. Let’s assume for a moment that we fans realize it is just a game, that we all have infinitely more important things going on in our lives - our kids, our wives, our girlfriends, our jobs, our careers. Baseball is the last thing on our minds when making dinner or working on that project due tomorrow. This is all true and Patterson has a point - it is just a game. But there’s an important distinction: I don’t play baseball for a living and I don’t get paid millions of dollars a year to do the things other people can do brilliantly that I cannot. It’s their job, not mine. It should be important and a job is not just a game. Is this distinction unfair? Perhaps. There certainly are people with talent in every field, who fail, or worse, sink into mediocrity, forgotten by everyone. But do we admire these people? I don’t. I despise them, the ones that barely skate by, the ones that never fully realize their incredible potential. It’s like the movie “Good Will Hunting”. Who enjoys watching Will squander his talent? I don’t have any type of mathematical ability and would never want the talent Will Hunting has. Yet it drives me crazy to watch him throw it all away, if only because he has it and I don’t.

While talent and potential is king in the world of sports, ethic and attitude truly determines who succeeds and fails. The superstars of every sport never see it as “just a game”. To them it’s life, it’s water, it’s what makes them go and go. It sounds cliché and old, but it’s also what makes all the great ones great. The single-minded desire to achieve more than just a game. Addiction to perfection; a degenerate competitor. For example: Michael Jordan. He was all of these things and more. Every game was more than just a game – basketball, golf, poker. Above all, he wanted to WIN and he wanted not just to win the first time or the second time - he wanted to win all the time. It was this quality in his character that made him, along with his ability and talent, the greatest basketball player ever to play the “game”.

What Patterson has to realize is that he can’t see it as “just a game” and become the player everyone wants him to be. Which is fine. If he wants to toil in mediocrity for the rest of his life, batting .230-.240, then he’s exactly where he should be, no better, no worse. But if he truly wants more, he needs to take himself seriously, he needs to take the competition seriously, and, most importantly, he needs to take the “game” seriously.

Buehrle Accuses Rangers of Using Psychic Powers

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Chicago White Sox left-hander Mark Buehrle is convinced that the Texas Rangers are cheating.

One day after claiming that the Rangers signaled pitches to batters through a high-tech light system in center field (article here), Buehrle today suggested that the Rangers were using psychic powers to predict future pitches.

“The Rangers are hitting .256 on the road, but an unbelievable .285 at home,” said Buehrle. “It is pretty obvious to me that the Rangers are either using supernatural psychic powers, a sophisticated light system, or some combination of the two. In fact, I think it’s obvious to everyone.”

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, for one, was not convinced. “Everyone knows that I’m a big fan of saying the craziest shit,” said the outspoken Sox manager. “But even I think what Mark is saying here is crazy. He should focus more on pitching, and less on trying to explain the world of the paranormal.”

Texas DH Phil Nevin, meanwhile, was confused by Buehrle’s accusations. “I’m hitting .205. If we’re cheating, I missed the memo.”

NCAA Bans Indian Mascots; Church Groups See Light at the End of the Tunnel

By: Tomachu
SportParody Staff Writer

Earlier this month, the NCAA made an official ban to Indian mascots at post-season college events (article here). Schools such as Illinois, Florida State, and University of Louisiana-Monroe (nicknamed the Fighting Illini, Seminoles, and Indians respectively) were among those to be affected by the NCAA rule change.

In light of this decision, several church groups are targeting schools like Duke, Arizona State, and DePaul (nicknamed the Blue Devils, Sun Devils, and Blue Demons respectively) in hope that they will get rid of their “anti-God” nicknames. “I just don’t see what is so great cheering for a team that is on the side of the devil,” said Pat Robertson. “If kids are forever exposed to such satanic images, I can see them going further and further away from the Lord. We most stop the rise of the Devil!”

NCAA President Myles Brand thinks that this is one small step to a giant solution. Said Brand: “Once we get the whole Indian thing straightened out, I’ll be going after the anti-God names, followed by the mammal, bird, and weather-related names.”

Brand also flirted with the idea to eliminate cheerleaders, but then thought twice about it, saying that it might not be a popular move with the public.


Mr. Brand better think twice before eliminating these... I mean this from college sports

Sharapova Reaches Historic #1 WTA Ranking

SportParody is proud to announce that Maria Sharapova has reached the #1 ranking in women’s tennis (article here). The 6'2'', 18-year-old Russian phenom has done a great job of winning over millions of fans who would otherwise give a rat’s ass about tennis.

Congratulations, Maria!

Check out our last article on Maria at Wimbledon here.


This is just an excuse to put up a picture of Maria Sharapova.

USC to Show Complete College Football Dominance

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Watch out, college football, there’s a new USC in town.

Following a near-unanimous sweep of the preseason AP Poll released Saturday (article here), USC head coach Pete Carroll made a startling announcement: “We’re going to send two USC teams to the Rose Bowl this year”.

With USC returning Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinert, do-it-all running back Reggie Bush, and most everyone of significance from last year’s dominating team, every major sports publication has already penciled in USC as virtually assured of an unprecedented third straight national championship.

Seeking a greater challenge, Carroll has announced that USC’s backups will form their own team, to showcase USC’s complete dominance. “I kept reading how our backups would be good enough to start on other teams”, said Carroll. “So a lightbulb went off in my head - Why not just form another team with our backups? We’re so good that our backup squad can go undefeated also... especially in the Pac-10.”

Rival Pac-10 coaches were dismayed at Carroll’s announcement. “It already is tough on our kids to have to lose once to USC every year,” said Karl Dorrell, Head Coach of cross-town rival UCLA. “But now twice?? Looks like another year of playing in the Las Vegas bowl.”


The only good news for USC's opponents is they get to see more of the USC Cheerleaders

Reality Show to Show Knight's Calmer Side

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

Legendary and often controversial NCAA basketball head coach Bobby Knight feels that the press give him a bad rap and just flat out misunderstand him. In order to show America his softer, calmer, more collective side, Bobby Knight has agreed to do a reality show in which twenty Texas Tech students will go through a series of “soft and calm” basketball practices, with one lucky student getting an opportunity as a walk-on to the Texas Tech basketball team the following year.

Sportspardy was fortunate enough to land an exclusive interview with Bobby Knight. The following is a transcript:

SportParody: So Mr. Knight, what kind of drills do you plan to use?

Knight: Well, a technique I like to use when one of my players misses a lay-up is a therapeutic neck exercise where I massage their throat with my whole hand.

SP: Umm, I think the technical term for that is choking, isn't it?

Knight: You disrespectful piece of ****, that is not what I’m talking about at all! It’s a neck exercise is all, don’t be like the rest of the media you big dope!

SP: Okay....moving on. What other motivational techniques will you apply to these students?

Knight: Let’s say one of my players has a bad game and played like garbage. Well, what I like to do is use interactive learning is all I will say.

SP: You mean you make them stand in a trash can if they play like garbage?

Knight: God you media are the devil! I use a can, yes, but you perceive it as a garbage can when in fact it’s just a can they stand in, you again couldn't be farther from the facts dumb-ass.

SP: All-righty then.... what comments would you like to make about your chair throwing incident in 1985?

Knight: I’m getting tired of this; I didn’t throw the damn chair! I softly glided it on the floor over to my good buddy who was sitting on the other side. For crying out loud, it was a packed house and he didn’t have a seat. I’m tired of these outrageous accusations by you God-**** people! I’m getting the **** out of here!

SP: There you have it folks... The new softer side of Bobby Knight which is sure to be shown on his new reality show.


Knight calmly explains his point of view to a referee